Changes

Author Paulo Coelho once wrote, "When we least expect it, life sends us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back." My goodness, how I can relate to that statement!! At the start of a new year, it is impossible not to look back to see how life has changed. How you have changed. How the people around you have changed. I can say with all honesty that the year of 2018 was one of the biggest years of change for me.

At the start of 2018, I was content with life. I was working at a job I loved. Kody was still adjusting to our new home, but doing well. I was single, independent, and happy to stay that way. I thought I had the rest of my life planned out. I would stay in Panhandle, keep working at the same clinic, and raise Kody by myself. Life was really good. God had blessed me in every way. But true to what the Bible tells us, His plans for us are greater than our own. Throughout the rest of the year, God brought me the love of my life. Our relationship wasn't always easy. We had struggles to work through, but always kept Jesus at the center and wound up stronger and better for it. Now that man is my fiance, and we will get to say "I do" in just a few short months! Kody has grown in ways I could have never imagined!! He is confident, kind, strong, intelligent, and bold. I have loved seeing his growth. It is a blessing to be able to look at your child and say, "I did what God called me to do and He kept His promise to me to bless and protect my child." I made friendships that I will treasure. Friends that became family and helped me raise Kody.

So many other amazing changes happened, but there are two more changes that are the reason I am writing this blog. I am writing to all of my sweet friends and clients that have been so welcoming and become a special part of my life. But before I tell you these things, I need to explain the change behind these decisions. God has softened my heart this year. He has shown me where I have been selfish. He has shown me where I was complacent. He showed me where I made decisions to please others. So through the clarity He brought me, my priorities changed. My priorities are no longer about my career or myself. They are all about my family. Because my family now brings me my safety and my happiness. They are what drive me and push me to be the absolute best version of myself. So with my new priority, I have prayed ardently and made the decision to move to Amarillo and take a new job there. January will be my last month in Panhandle. This move will give me more time with my family and give us freedoms we have never gotten to experience. God has given me such peace about this move, but a part of my heart is sad.

I can't explain how much I will miss this town. The welcoming spirit, the cheers from the football stadium in the fall, the way you can't turn a corner without seeing a friendly face. I will miss it all. So I want to take a moment to say thank you to all of the special people in this town. It is a scary thing to move across the state with your son to a new town to start a new life. But there was never a day since I moved here that I felt alone. Not only did you welcome me and my son as members of your town, but you helped me become the doctor I always wanted to be. You let me learn how to love your pets like my own. You let me mourn with you at times and celebrate the happy times. You gave me the confidence to step into my calling. There is no way that I will ever be able to express my gratitude and love for you all. You have played an irreplaceable role in my life. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

God has blessed me in ways last year I didn't know were possible. The future is exciting, and I can't wait to see where He takes me and my family this year! But please know that I will always hold you all close to my heart! 

To my Special Clients

There are few people who can truly say that they are living their life's dream. Living the life that they know God created them for and would form their ministry out of. I am blessed to be able to say that I am! I get to wake up every single morning and know that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing - something that makes my heart come alive on a daily basis. I get to be a veterinarian. While most of my colleagues became veterinarians because they have a deep deep love for animals, I am a bit of an anomaly. While I, obviously, love animals too, I had always prayed for a career where I would be able to minister God's love to every person I encountered. Veterinary medicine was God's amazing way of tying both of the two together. So, while I do love my patients, it is also their owners that I got into this amazing profession for and who I would like to share my heart with now. I have been practicing for 6 months now and just have some things I would like say to these special people.

1) It is truly an honor to have you trust me with the care of your pet. Once you have become a pet owner, you realize why God gave us the charge and responsibility of taking dominion over his creation. Animals are special creatures. They are beautiful in their own unique way, loyal to a fault, loving with no expectations in return, and needing of care. I truly believe God created animals to bring joy to us as His children... look at the awesomeness of the lion, the sweetness of a puppy, or the gracefulness of the birds as they soar and tell me anything different. So believe me when I tell you that I am honored to care for your pet. I do not take it as a small thing when you bring in a new puppy or kitten and are trusting me with its health for the next 10-20 years.

2) I promise to always be an advocate for your pet and a friend to you. There will be times when hard decisions have to be made. Times when the disease I am trying to explain to you may seem too much to deal with. Times when you may not know the right choice. That's my job. I am here to speak for your loved one. I am here to tell you what they can't and give you all the wisdom you need to make the right choices. And when those choices are difficult, I will be there to share in your sadness and frustration. When the choices are easy, I will also be there to celebrate in the triumphs. Either way, I ask you to always trust me. I am here for you and your pet and will always be honest. I will never push my wishes on you. I will simply speak for your loved one and guide you when you need help.

3) I will continue to always better myself as a doctor. I will use all resources available to me to provide the best standard of care I am able to give. I will go to conferences, consult with specialists, read the latest data, always practice my skills, and if I am unable to meet the standard of care your loved one needs, I will be honest and send them to a hospital that can handle your pet's needs. I will never stop working to be the best doctor you can find for your pet. I will always pursue excellence and work to bring that to every appointment, every single day. I will never let my heart become calloused by the hard days because if my heart is ever not in it, then my medicine will suffer and therefore my patients. This means that there will be times that I may not know the answer to your question or the situation put in front of us, but it also means that I will not stop until I figure it out. I'll never stop working for your family.

4) While most days are full of wellness visits or problems that are generally easy to fix, there are many days when tragedies happen and I will have to see you on an emergency visit. Those can be very stressful depending of the type of emergency, but I want to say some things about that. I may not be able to spend a lot of time with you during this time - my entire focus will be on your pet. I will be wishing I could tell you that I have trained for 8 years to be able to handle this, that I will be caring for your baby as if it was mine, that I will be working feverishly to stabilize your pet - because I know you are scared and may not understand all that is happening inside your baby. But I won't be able to tell you any of this because I won't have time. Some emergencies will not be so scary, so I will be able to walk you through the situation mentally and emotionally. Sometimes I will have to keep your baby with me - something not many people are happy to do. I promise they will be cared for with the most attention and love I am able to give. I will pray over them (usually with my son), pet them, talk to them, and do all I can medically to save them. And months after they go home, I will still think about them from time to time... because when they are here in the hospital with me, they are my family too.

5) Unfortunately, sometimes I won't be able to save them. Sometimes, disease, old age, or trauma are too much for them to recover. Believe me when I say that looking you in the eye and telling you there is nothing more I can do or that all the efforts we took failed,  is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I will tell you that we need to help them pass with no more suffering. While this is difficult, I also believe that it is the last  brave and selfless act we can do for our pets. If you want to stay with them, I will stay with you. I will cry with you, but mainly for you - because I know you are having to say goodbye before you were ready. If you can't stay with them, I will stay with them. I will tell them how much you loved them and that you will miss them.

Thank you for letting me into your life and your families, even in the small capacity that being your veterinarian is. I want you to know that I will never take that for granted. I pray for all of my clients and patients daily - that God would bless you and shower you with goodness. I still have a lot of growing to do as a doctor, but I am privileged to do it with you all.

Tired Guilty Mom

Tonight I drove away from my son again... something that has become a familiar thing in my life. I have been away from him for three weeks and am leaving him for another week. I have been working at my externships for my 4th year of vet school, learning lessons that are invaluable. Lessons that I will use the rest of my career. My externships have been amazing.... my heart has never been more fulfilled yet more tired and guilty in my life. I want to take a moment to talk to the moms out there dealing with this guilt. I want to talk to the working moms. I want to take a minute to set down our to do lists, take a deep breath, and take off the mantle of guilt we have put on ourselves.

I realize that many of you will be reading this while trying to enjoy your two quiet minutes in the bathroom alone, while sitting at a stop light running your errands, or while trying to nurse a baby. It's so rare that you actually have a minute to read something that isn't about princesses, pirates, dinosaurs, or how you should be measuring up to the mother next door to you. I get it! Here is an example of my day to day schedule:

- 5:00AM: wake up 

- 5:00-6:00: take a shower, do hair, do makeup, sip on coffee, get dressed, eat breakfast, and brush teeth

- 6:00: wake up Kody

- 6:00-6:30: feed Kody, get him dressed, tell him I love him and leave him with the nanny who takes him to school

- 6:45: get to school

- 6:45-8:00: do all morning treatments, make treatment plans for the day

- 8:00-6:30: work through the day (sometimes cry) and learn all I can then race home to Kody (who is already home because the nanny picked him up)

- 6:45-8:00: feed Kody dinner, help him with homework, give him a bath, read a book , and get him in bed

- 8:00-8:30: feed myself dinner, scan facebook, and take a breath

- 8:30-11:00: study for NAVLE, research cases for tomorrow, and catch up on paperwork

- 11:00-11:30: quiet time

- 11:30: go to sleep

Being a working mom is hard! I want you to know that I get it. I know how it feels to get ready while you set your child in front of a movie to keep them busy. I know how it feels to leave your baby with someone who you fear your child loves more than you. I know how it feels to miss milestones that the daycare tells you about. I know how it feels to lose your temper over nothing because you have the weight of work, life, and motherhood crashing down on you all at once and your baby was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I know how it feels to have your son stop and ask you why you don't love him anymore and what he did to make you not want to spend time with him as you are walking out the door for work. You feel guilty for wanting to go out with your friends for drinks, but know that would take you away from your son. You feel guilty for putting your baby to bed early just so you can drink a glass of wine and be alone. The guilt is sometimes unimaginable. The guilt is unrelenting... you feel guilty for leaving your baby and then you feel guilty for wanting to leave the job that supports your family to get back to your baby. You feel inadequate to fill all the roles you are supposed to play. You feel tired. You feel.... not enough and too much.

I have felt all of these emotions to my core. I have locked myself in the bathroom to cry. I have called my own mom to hear the validation that I so crave. I have tried talking to my friends, but it's never quite the same because none of them are moms... they don't understand. I have been there!

So hear me now... YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. The God of the universe chose you to be your baby's mom. That is powerful! Before you ever heard your baby's heartbeat, looked into their eyes, heard their sweet breathing, and held their little hand, God chose you. He chose you to be their mom, cheerleader, protector, and provider. He chose you to be the one to raise them into the people He has planned for them to be. He chose you to be all of those things right now.... in the middle of your career and crazy life. He didn't choose for you to be a mom when you are more settled or not trying to climb the ladder. He chose you now. And the good news is that His timing is always perfect! His timing is always better than our own!

You know why you are a working mom? Because that is the mom that God destined you to be. He knew you are strong enough to face all of it. He has a plan that is unlike any other plan He has ever had for another mom. Here is what He has to say about you and His plan for you:

- Isaiah 40:31 

       "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

- Proverbs 30: 28-30
        "Her children arise and call her blessed... but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

- II Corinthians 12:9-10
       " But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
- I Peter 5:7
       "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

I wish I could tell you that things get easier, but I am right in the middle of the storm with you. This is what I can tell you though.... You are loved by the Most High. You have been blessed by Him with the grace and strength to be a mom. This is a blessing that not everyone is trusted with. You are strong. You are so brave. I see you and so do your children. Remember that things will never be perfect and that no one expects them to be! Life is messy and all of our houses are before we rush to clean it when guests are coming over. Take encouragement and joy in the fact that you alone were chosen for this path!

True Heroes of Our Time

We live in a day where the media decides what our opinions should be. We live in a time where the minority has the loudest voice, and those who should speak up fall silent. Religion is failing. Politics are full of selfish and prideful men. Society sneers at and belittles intelligence and courage. Vulnerability and connection are weaknesses. All that used to be revered is condemned. And good men are now seen as evil. Men and women whom I respect and esteem are being vilainized and attacked. So in a day of such turmoil and upheaval, I find it helpful to go back to the basics. I am going back to the absolute basic definitions of words that Americans seem to have forgotten.

Hero (heer-oh) noun
     1. A man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
     2. A person who defends truth and justice.

Hero. Such a simple word. A word that every little boy and girl knows. My son changes what super hero he is on a daily basis. It seems to me, that the word should be able to be kept straight in our heads, but I look around today and the true definition is lost. Americans today have lost the true meaning and idolize the wrong type of people. We glorify pop singers and entertainers. We revolve entire days around sports figures and the games they play. We stand in awe of people who "stand for their beliefs" by rioting ,hurting, and threatening the innocent. When I tell my son that he is my hero, I can promise you I am not picturing any of the people I just described. Let me tell you who I am picturing. I am picturing a person who is selfless and kind. I am thinking of a person who defends what is right. I am picturing a brave person in a storm. A person who puts others above himself. A person who defends all that is right when all others have lost sight of what that means. This is a hero to me. This is what should be admired. This also brings me to my next definition.

Police (puh-lees) verb
     1. to control by making sure that rules and regulations are followed
Police (puh-lees) noun
     1. The internal organization or regulation of a political unit trough exercise of governmental powers especially with respect to general comfort, health, morals, safety, or prosperity.
     2. Control and regulation of affairs affecting the general order and welfare of any unit or area
     3. The system of laws for affecting such control.

Police. We see these "men and women in blue" every single day of our lives. We see them in our neighborhoods, our streets, our highways, and our businesses. For the majority of the United States, these people in uniform bring a sense of comfort. Yes, when you know you were speeding and you see those lights, you are not too happy. However, in the same moment, you know it was your actions that brought that unhappiness. These men and women are simply doing their job. They are upholding the law they swore to protect. They are putting themselves in potential danger with every human interaction they have. They run towards danger (Have we so quickly forgotten 9-11, the recent school shootings, or natural disasters??). They respond to cries for help when all others would run in fear.  They are brave. They are admirable. I am in vet school. I have been a vet tech for years. As much as I loved my job, I can honestly say that if I was risking my safety (and therefore the safety of my family's future) every time I met with a client, I would NEVER have kept my job. God has placed a special kindness, humility, and selflessness in these men and women's hearts. They wake up every day, kiss their loved ones good-bye, knowing it could be their last. Each and every word to their family is precious. Each and every look to them is historical. Each and every moment of their lives is inspiring.

As I watch the news today, I see something I simply don't understand. I see something that is foreign and disgusting to all I hold as real and true. I see people who hate these heroes. I see a nation who was founded by men and women of bravery, sacrifice an entire"race" of selfless beings. I see a country, that I used to hold with such love and respect, riot, threaten, and hunt down the innocent.

There comes a point in most "action" movies that the hero is seen as evil in the eyes of the people they are fighting to protect. I have always thought these story lines were unrealistic. How could people sneer at those who were sacrificing their lives for them? Then I turn on my TV and see images like this:

This is the time we live in. This is what the "greatest country in the world" has become. I am heart broken, and I am ashamed.

So here is what I have to say to all those who protect my every day life:

You are today's true, every day heroes.
You make my American dream a reality.
You deserve all the respect this nation has.
I am sorry for what this country has done to your brothers and sisters in uniform.
There are still people who see, love, and admire you.
My son and hundreds of little boys and girls still want to be you.
Your sacrifice is not in vain.
I will forever stand with you and behind you and your families.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

(Thank you for sacrificing this)

(To give me this.)

A Gift for Marriage

I've been wanting to write this blog for a long time. It is a topic that so desperately needs to be spoken about in the light of Jesus. It is a topic that was created to be so pure and beautiful, but has been ravished and depraved by our enemy. It's time to talk about sex.

We live in a world where sex is no longer something to be honored. You can see sex on your tv, on the street corner, on billboards, on your computers. It is everywhere. It is mundane. It is routine. It is uncommiting. What most of us don't realize though is that it is destructive. It is destroying the hearts of so many people. And that is where the tragedy really lies because sex that is shared between a husband wife in the holy bonds of marriage is life giving. It is beautiful. It is safe. It is fulfilling. It is a treasure that God created for the children He loves so dearly.

I am not going to pretend like I am an expert on this subject. I am not going to pretend like I have all the answers to fix what Satan has done to our society. All I can do is share my story and what I know to be true.

After I was raped, sex became a very distorted thing to me. It was dark and ugly. It was cruel and torturing. When a woman is sexually assaulted or abused, they generally choose one of two paths. They will either shield themselves from any man, becoming hard and guarded, or they will turn to men, to find comfort and control. Many people understand the first. It makes sense to them, so I won't be addressing that aspect too much. I will be addressing the second. These women are often times the more misunderstood, judged, and tortured souls. I was one of these women.

When I was attacked, something in me broke. My innocence and my security were stolen. Immediately, the enemy came in with his lies. He told me I was dirty and used. He told me I was a waste and would never be loved after that. What kind of man would ever want to be with a woman who was as disgusting as I was? And whose fault was this? It was T's fault. I believed every word of this. Not only did this distort my image of myself, but it put a vindictive hate in my heart for men. I vowed to never let a man have control over me again. I would never let a man be more powerful in a situation than myself. I would always decide my fate. In my numbness and hatred, I thought that if sex is what men wanted, that was where I could control them. It made me feel wanted and powerful at the same time. That is a dangerous combination for any woman who was as deeply wounded as I was. But this is the sad truth. This is what many woman, abused and not abused, see and think. What is heart breaking though, is that we actually think that we can have "meaningless" sex and walk away from it untouched. The truth is, God created sex to be something felt in our hearts and souls, and so we do... every single time. You can deny it. You can convince yourself it means nothing, but you are just lying and avoiding the inevitable pain to come.

I want to reach out to the girls and women out there who have bought into the enemy's lies. If you have ever felt that you are dirty, invaluable, and used. If you have ever thought that sex was your only way of connecting to a man. If you simply have never been taught that sex is wonderful because you have only seen the destruction it causes, then please listen to me, sisters. Let me show you the beauty God has redeemed in me and the way He sees you.

When God created the world, He started with the most basic of elements and moved His way up. Each day brought something more majestic and beautiful. The darkness and light were out shown by the land and sea. The plants were out done by the sun, moon, and stars. The animals were put to shame by Adam, but God was still not done. The most beautiful and most stunning of all His creations was Eve. You, daughter of God, are the crescendo of all creation. You are timeless and pure. God does not see the blemishes you think you posses. He sees the love of his life. He sees a woman whom He laid down his own life for. He sees something that words cannot describe. Your beauty is fit for a King.

This may be hard for some of you to believe. The devil would love for you to stay in his darkness. Your light is repulsive to him. He cannot stand your beauty because our beauty draws people to Jesus. We were created to show the gentleness, compassion, and glory of God. We were created to draw people in with our love, grace, and vulnerability. There is nothing I can say or do to make you believe this. But I beg you to ask the Lord to reveal what He sees in you.

          - "She is more precious than jewels and nothing you can desire compares to her." Proverbs 3:15
          - "The King is enthralled by your beauty." Pslam 45:11
          - "You are altogether beautiful, my love. There is no flaw in you," Song of Solomon 4:7
          - "Behold you are beautiful, my love. Behold, you are beautiful!" Song of Solomon 4:1

Sex is something that is so horribly distorted for girls and women today. It is something seen as unimportant, worthless, and meaningless. We are taught to disconnect from our hearts and feelings because they are weaknesses. They allow others to hurt us, or they cause people to see us as "too sensitive" or "too emotional." The problem is, it is impossible to truly disconnect your emotions from sex. God created sex to be shared between a husband and wife. Because of this, He created it to be emotional, safe, inviting, and nourishing to our souls. He created it to be beautiful and sacred. You cannot escape that part of sex. Satan has deceived society today into believing you can turn those things off. You can dress how you want, act how you want, and sleep with whoever you want with no consequences. It's fun. It's exciting. It's a lie. Sex outside the bonds of marriage is destructive.. It leaves a wake of pain and emptiness. People try to fill the empty feeling in their hearts with more sex. For a moment, they will feel desired and "loved," but they don't realize that it is only hollowing out the hole more and sending an echo of their pain through their hearts. It is an addictive, vicious cycle.

I have been celibate for over a year now. This is strange for someone my age in our world today. I hear many remarks about it. Why would you want to do that? What's the point after you've already had sex? Your life must be so boring. My answer is always the same... I do it because I finally see that I am worth it. When you finally are able to see yourself in Jesus's light, you see that you are worth the respect, love, and patience that waiting for sex requires. You are so precious. You are so valuable. You are so unique. You deserve the safety and comfort marriage brings to sex. You deserve to know that the man you are with desires you and you alone. His very being is made whole by you and you by him. You deserve the passion, intensity, and devotion love done God's way guarantees. Jesus is the only one who can fill that emptiness. He is the only one who knows the cure for your longing. Then that wholeness and fulfillment is translated into the love of your marriage. Only that love will keep you safe, protected, and full of life.

This is not a popular way of life. This is definitely not an easy way of life. But this is a fulfilling, safe, and heart-protecting way of life. The devil would have you believe that once you have slept with someone, this is a moot point, but it's not! When God healed my heart from all my pain, he made it as new. It is that new and whole heart that I am protecting for my husband. You, sister, have the same to protect. I am fighting everyday to bring something special to my husband. The day will come when I am able to open myself to him and give him the greatest gift. That day will be filled with love, hope, and safety. Sex is important. Sex is beautiful. Sex is special. Sex God's way is something worth waiting and fighting for. I will say again that I don't have all the answers, but I can tell you this... My heart is more full of love and meaning than ever before. My life is not boring. My life is exciting, and it is a journey I will be able to share with my husband as a whole and precious gift, just for him.

A God of Restoration

When you find yourself in the darkness, when the pain is your only companion behind the walls you have built around your heart, and when you are so angry you've forgotten what it means to love, where do you go? Where can you possibly take your life that will make a difference? Who could ever help you find your way back to joy or freedom? Those are the questions that drove my life for years. You've now had a look into the journey that brought me to that point. There are many people living their lives with these same questions. So many of us, unfortunately, never find a way out of that darkness. The enemy convinces us that we are safe in those self-imprisoning walls we build. The problem is, those walls keep everything out that is good for us. They keep out Jesus and his healing light. They keep out those The Lord places in our lives to help us along our journey. They keep all joy, peace, and strength at a "safe" distance from our wounded hearts. The good news is that, once you allow the light into your heart, that stagnant darkness must leave. Satan and his army are powerless to God's great name.

The special people God put in my life to help me.

My road to healing was not an easy one. I did not always stay on the path. I would constantly veer off because it got too hard or scary. Healing does not mean instant peace. It does not mean that overnight you will no longer have to wrestle with your demons. Most of the time, we do not know what the journey is going to look like. The one thing I can promise you is that the outcome is good. Jesus's plans are always good. So today I am going to talk to you about Jesus healing my relationship with Him. I am starting here because it is that relationship that is the most important and pivotal to my entire story. There would be no story if I hadn't found Jesus again. I would still be in my darkness, hard and miserable with my hate. 

When I woke up the morning after "T" raped me, I was not the same girl I was the night before. There was a fracture in my very being. The most profound change though was my complete loss of faith in Jesus. I had spent my entire life up to that point believing in Him, following His word, and doing exactly what I was taught to do in church. What I didn't know at that point was that my faith was actually my parent's faith. I had never discovered for my own heart who Jesus is. I had never deepened my faith. It had never been tested, so I lived in an ignorant bliss. That morning, however, the very fiber of my being was tested. I'd like to say my relationship with God was real and strong enough to get me through, but instead, it came unraveled altogether. 

I didn't know who Jesus really was before that terrible night. Because of this, Satan immediately planted a lie in my heart that took a deep hold. Since I had no vision of who Jesus was, the enemy gave me one. He replayed the night before in my head. This time, I saw God in the room. When I was screaming for help as T violated me, He just stood there. When I begged for mercy from my torture, He was cold and distant. When I cried for comfort and shelter for my nakedness, He turned His back on me. And the next morning when I woke up, the devil convinced me that Jesus was just gone. He had left me because I was dirty and unlovable. He had abandoned me. What kind of "Father" would allow that to happen to his child? What kind of God would allow that kind of evil? In that moment, I made an inner vow that would hurt me far beyond what T ever did to me. I vowed that I would never rely on or trust anyone again. I would never follow or love a God that turned His back on me. 

Over the next few years, there was a drastic change in my character. I became hard. I became cruel. I became selfish and self-sufficient. I needed nothing and no one. If I allowed someone to "get close" it meant that I was using them to maintain control. All the while, I did everything to avoid God. I say avoid because there were constant occasions that would draw me to Him. It could be a family member or friend asking me to church. It could be seeing a Facebook post about His love. It could be something as simple seeing a family pray at a restaurant. You see, that's the thing about Jesus. You may try to run away from Him, but He never leaves us. He is faithful. He is ever-present. This continued for years. At times, my pain would get so overwhelming, that I would actually pray. When this happened though, it ended with me being angry and telling God I hated Him for leaving me. I hated that I had ever believed He loved me. After these times, I would push everyone even farther away and work to gain control again. 

This all continued until the day I found out about my son. If there was a ever a moment in my life where I felt I had finally hit rock bottom, that was it. I was finally not able to maintain my control. I lost what little stability I thought I had gained on my own. I didn't realize it at that moment, but Kody, as a little dot on that sonogram machine, saved my life. The instrumental part that Kody played in my life at that point, was that he forced me to love someone. I could no longer be selfish and self-centered because it wasn't just me anymore. It took the life changing event of becoming a mother for me to begin taking down my walls. Very VERY slowly, I removed bricks. When you have a life altering awakening, it is uncomfortable. When I realized that I could no longer rely on myself, I was scared. I didn't know who I was supposed to rely on, I just knew I had to figure it out soon for my son's sake. 

I finally decided that I would give God one year to prove if He was real. (I'm sure God was just cracking up at this point.) I told Him that I would read the Bible every night for a year, and if He really loved me, He would show me. At this point, I was actually going to counseling with an amazing woman. She kept telling me that God had never left me. She kept saying that Jesus was a God of redemption and mercy. I still couldn't believe her though. I had been heart broken for so long. How could anyone understand? That night I read Psalms 6. "Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me? Return, O Lord, and rescue me. Save me because of your unfailing love... I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears." What?? David, a man after God's own heart, had been hurt as much as I had? I knew God loved him. I knew God's hand was always on David, and yet he still hurt too? Had God really never left me? In that moment, I asked God to show me where He had been that awful night. 

I saw Him in another light. When I was screaming for help, He was already there with his angels to fight with me. When I was begging for mercy, He was weeping too because His child was hurting. When I was crying for comfort and shelter, He was already holding me and covering my nakedness. He wasn't repulsed by the filth I felt. He was washing every stain with his own tears. He didn't see me as damaged or unlovable. He saw me as his precious daughter who he wanted to cover with his love and healing. He never left my side. He never turned away. Yes, something awful happened to me because he gave his children free will. T used his free will for evil, but God never abandoned me. When I was angry and telling God I hated Him, He was already forgiving me. And when I finally took down my walls, He was right there waiting where He had been all those years.

That night, God's love was overwhelming. I sat in my bed and sobbed as I had so many times before, but that night, it was in the comfort of my Savior's arms. My heart broke that night again, but this time it was Jesus breaking through all the pain, scars, and emptiness that surrounded my heart. When a person is injured, the surgeon must clean up the dead and ugly to get to the healthy tissue again. The surgery sets everything back to being correct, but then there are scars left. They always remind you of the pain you went through. The best part about Jesus is that he is not only a God of healing, He is also a God of restoration and redemption. When God broke my heart open again, he didn't leave scars to remind me of my hurts. He gave me a new and pure heart. When I finally surrendered my pain to Him, He didn't just help me hold it. He took it completely away. He took the control of it that I had been holding onto for so long. 

I still have a long way to go in my walk with Jesus. There are days I still fight for that control. There are still days that I don't do what I am supposed to do. I am an imperfect human serving a perfect God. A perfect God with perfect love and forgiveness. Being a child of God doesn't mean that my life is easy. There are days when bad things happen to me. There are days when I'm sad. There are days I get angry. But there is never a day that I am not with my Daddy. He is with me in every minute of my every day. "But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works." (Psalms 73:28) I give God the glory for my healing. I praise Him for his faithfulness and love. He has made beauty from my ashes. He is my Abba Father, Elohim, and Addonai. There is power in His name. There is power in our testimony.

  

Trials to Testimony

We live in a world of wounded people. Some people live with their pain daily. Some ignore their wounds because the healing process is too painful or scary. Some people are reminded of their pain by the scars that are left. Despite all the pain and devastation in the world, when you look around at the people beside you, you would never know they were hurting. You would never know that these people's lives were anything but perfect. You see, most people never really deal with their hurts. They bury them deep inside themselves. This may work for a while, but years from now, they will work their way to the surface and the person won't be able to hide from them anymore. Some people choose to deal with their hurts, receive healing, and live a full life. This is how God intended us to deal with pain. Then there are people like me. I was wounded deeply once. I ran from the pain. I buried all feelings and emotions I had. When this failed to work, I dealt with it. I faced my pain and gave it to Jesus. In his loving hands, I overcame my hurt. I decided, though, that I would leave that part of my life as a secret. I didn't want anyone to know what I had gone through. I didn't want people to see how I had changed. This was the wrong choice though. You see, as Joyce Meyers says, your trials become your testimony.

So I've decided to share my testimony with you. I will be writing several blogs on this. Today, I will share the pain. I will share the ugly parts of myself that I have kept hidden. I will write about the darkness that I lived in for years. The great part about this story is that in the next few weeks, I get to show you God's mercy and healing. I get to show you His light that is warm and safe. I get to share His freedom.

I was raised in a loving home. I was blessed by having parents who taught me about God and His sacrifices He made for us. My parents made every decision with my brother and me in mind. They worked constantly to be the best parents they could be... and let me tell you, they succeeded. They gave me everything a young girl needed. They gave me safety, confidence, and showed me God's love. They sent me to a christian school as well. This was a wonderful place to learn. It had its issues just like all schools do, but it was safe. You see, my entire upbringing was just that... safe. It was comfortable. It was a bubble. I was never put in dangerous situations. I was never forced to make a hard decision. I loved Jesus and followed Him, but my faith was never truly tested. I was sheltered from the harshness of the world. I was naive.

When I moved away to college, I left that bubble. I entered a world that new and exciting. I left the comfort of my family, friends, and church and entered the unfamiliar and the dangerous. I moved there alone, so I was anxious to hurry and make some new friends. At fish camp, I found some of those friends. They seemed different from my past friends. They were exciting, edgy, and charismatic. I was drawn to these people and the different way of life that they so easily led. They seemed happy. They seemed care-free. They had no rules to follow. It was all so different. I assumed they were all great people who would look after me and protect me. Nothing in life had ever taught me otherwise.

A couple of weeks after fish camp, there was a party. Now, I wasn't stupid. I knew people in high school who partied, but they weren't my close friends, and I had certainly never been to one. That was against the rules, so it just wasn't done. Now, however, I was on my own. I could make my own decisions. Something I had never gotten to do or really ever had to do. I still wasn't going to drink because I knew that was against what I wanted for my life at that point. So I did what every good christian girl would do and said I would be the designated driver for my friends. I was going to my first party!!!! (But I was still going to be safe.)

When we arrived at the party, my eyes were opened for the first time. The room was buzzing with laughing, talking, loud music, and what looked to me to be a great time! It was exciting and fun. This wasn't something I should be afraid of. I had been missing out! What had my parents and church friends been so worried about? I could be around people like this, have a good time with them, and still keep the person I wanted to be. My friends all dispersed into the party. I began mingling and meeting new people. I was dancing and feeling "free" for the first time in my life. Then there he was.

We will call this guy "T". I had noticed T watching me from the very beginning of the night. He had been circling me, always watching me from a safe distance, but always keeping me in view. It made me feel special. He must think I'm pretty and like me, right? Finally, he made his way over and introduced himself. He was a Sophomore engineering major. (T was good looking and smart?!) The next few hours consisted of us talking and getting to know each other. Slowly, I felt more comfortable. I felt my defenses dropping... just like he wanted. You see, men like him are not dumb. They are intelligent and organized. They are predators and can spot unsuspecting prey. He offered to get me a drink of water. I gladly accepted. I had remembered my dad warning me about letting people I don't know get me drinks. He tried to teach me about date rape drugs. But that was for girls who were provocative and partying too much, right? That never happened to girls like me. I wasn't even drinking! That was the last clear thought I had before T returned with my roofied water.

I don't remember much of him raping me. I thank God for that. I have blurred images. I remember him telling me he liked to hear me cry. I remember him laughing when I screamed. Then it all goes black. When I woke up the next morning, the glitter of the night before was gone. The "freedom" I had felt was now chains of anguish. I was naked. I was bleeding. I was bruised. I was alone. I went home, got in the shower and scrubbed my skin until it was raw. I needed to get every trace of that place off of me. I sat in the shower and sobbed. My pain wracked my body, enveloping me in its darkness. I stayed in my room for weeks. I wouldn't talk to anyone. I stayed in the walls I had built. I didn't tell anyone what had happened.

When I finally left my room, I did everything possible to not feel my haunting pain. I began drinking almost every night. I surrounded myself with people who didn't care if I was happy because this meant that they wouldn't ask me if I was ok. I hated when people asked what was going on because then it all came rushing back to me. When the drinking didn't work, I turned to other things. I made sure that I was in control in every situation. I promised myself that I would never again be the victim. I would set all the rules. I stayed in this cruel numbness for years. I did everything possible to avoid emotion or connection.

You see, T did so much more to me that day than most people realize. In that moment, he completely stole my innocence. I was no longer that soft naive little girl. The evil of the world had ravished my heart. I became hard, impenetrable. I lost all trust in men. I used them to keep my control, but never let them know me. I separated myself from my family. I lied to them daily to keep them at a distance. That became the norm for me in every relationship and friendship I had. If anyone tried to get close to me, I would be cruel to them. I lived in the defensive. My brother once told me that I had become self-centered, and he was right. I only cared about me. I only relied on myself. No one else mattered in my life because no one else could be trusted.

The worst thing that happened to me that day, was the breaking of my bond to Jesus. I could not believe that the God I had loved my entire life had let this happen to me. Where was He? Why didn't he stop that man? The minute my faith wavered, Satan came rushing in with his lies. Rather than seeing Jesus as the person to run to with my pain, I saw Him as the reason it existed. I became angry at God. I turned my back on him and kept walking. I lost all relationship I ever had. I eliminated Him from my life... or so I thought. The truth is that despite what I chose to do, say, or think, God never left me. He was with me every minute of every day. He was yearning to take that pain from me. He is faithful even when we are not. We will get to that in a later blog though.

Now you know my pain. Now you know my deepest wound and biggest scar. I wish I could say that that is where my pain ends, but it's not. Throughout the years, I made poor decisions that caused more pain. That's what happens when you live in your pain instead of pursuing healing. There were days that I never thought I would know how to laugh again. I thought I would never cry again because that meant I would have to feel again. I am blessed to tell you, however, that I am joyful now. I cry when I am happy, when I'm sad, and when I'm mad. I feel and I feel deeply. How? Jesus. He is the only answer. I am honored to be able to share my testimony with you. I am honored to be a child of the Most High that gets to share of his love and redemption. I hope that this will minister to those who need it. I pray that as you read my words, God will touch your heart. I pray that my story brings glory to God because my life is His victory.

I also know that I am not anywhere close to the only one who has suffered from sexual abuse. This is a serious problem in our society. If you are reading this and you have found yourself in this situation, talk to someone. Get help. You are not alone. It was not your fault. There are people who will walk with you through the darkness until you find your light again. Don't suffer in your pain any more.