A Gift for Marriage

I've been wanting to write this blog for a long time. It is a topic that so desperately needs to be spoken about in the light of Jesus. It is a topic that was created to be so pure and beautiful, but has been ravished and depraved by our enemy. It's time to talk about sex.

We live in a world where sex is no longer something to be honored. You can see sex on your tv, on the street corner, on billboards, on your computers. It is everywhere. It is mundane. It is routine. It is uncommiting. What most of us don't realize though is that it is destructive. It is destroying the hearts of so many people. And that is where the tragedy really lies because sex that is shared between a husband wife in the holy bonds of marriage is life giving. It is beautiful. It is safe. It is fulfilling. It is a treasure that God created for the children He loves so dearly.

I am not going to pretend like I am an expert on this subject. I am not going to pretend like I have all the answers to fix what Satan has done to our society. All I can do is share my story and what I know to be true.

After I was raped, sex became a very distorted thing to me. It was dark and ugly. It was cruel and torturing. When a woman is sexually assaulted or abused, they generally choose one of two paths. They will either shield themselves from any man, becoming hard and guarded, or they will turn to men, to find comfort and control. Many people understand the first. It makes sense to them, so I won't be addressing that aspect too much. I will be addressing the second. These women are often times the more misunderstood, judged, and tortured souls. I was one of these women.

When I was attacked, something in me broke. My innocence and my security were stolen. Immediately, the enemy came in with his lies. He told me I was dirty and used. He told me I was a waste and would never be loved after that. What kind of man would ever want to be with a woman who was as disgusting as I was? And whose fault was this? It was T's fault. I believed every word of this. Not only did this distort my image of myself, but it put a vindictive hate in my heart for men. I vowed to never let a man have control over me again. I would never let a man be more powerful in a situation than myself. I would always decide my fate. In my numbness and hatred, I thought that if sex is what men wanted, that was where I could control them. It made me feel wanted and powerful at the same time. That is a dangerous combination for any woman who was as deeply wounded as I was. But this is the sad truth. This is what many woman, abused and not abused, see and think. What is heart breaking though, is that we actually think that we can have "meaningless" sex and walk away from it untouched. The truth is, God created sex to be something felt in our hearts and souls, and so we do... every single time. You can deny it. You can convince yourself it means nothing, but you are just lying and avoiding the inevitable pain to come.

I want to reach out to the girls and women out there who have bought into the enemy's lies. If you have ever felt that you are dirty, invaluable, and used. If you have ever thought that sex was your only way of connecting to a man. If you simply have never been taught that sex is wonderful because you have only seen the destruction it causes, then please listen to me, sisters. Let me show you the beauty God has redeemed in me and the way He sees you.

When God created the world, He started with the most basic of elements and moved His way up. Each day brought something more majestic and beautiful. The darkness and light were out shown by the land and sea. The plants were out done by the sun, moon, and stars. The animals were put to shame by Adam, but God was still not done. The most beautiful and most stunning of all His creations was Eve. You, daughter of God, are the crescendo of all creation. You are timeless and pure. God does not see the blemishes you think you posses. He sees the love of his life. He sees a woman whom He laid down his own life for. He sees something that words cannot describe. Your beauty is fit for a King.

This may be hard for some of you to believe. The devil would love for you to stay in his darkness. Your light is repulsive to him. He cannot stand your beauty because our beauty draws people to Jesus. We were created to show the gentleness, compassion, and glory of God. We were created to draw people in with our love, grace, and vulnerability. There is nothing I can say or do to make you believe this. But I beg you to ask the Lord to reveal what He sees in you.

          - "She is more precious than jewels and nothing you can desire compares to her." Proverbs 3:15
          - "The King is enthralled by your beauty." Pslam 45:11
          - "You are altogether beautiful, my love. There is no flaw in you," Song of Solomon 4:7
          - "Behold you are beautiful, my love. Behold, you are beautiful!" Song of Solomon 4:1

Sex is something that is so horribly distorted for girls and women today. It is something seen as unimportant, worthless, and meaningless. We are taught to disconnect from our hearts and feelings because they are weaknesses. They allow others to hurt us, or they cause people to see us as "too sensitive" or "too emotional." The problem is, it is impossible to truly disconnect your emotions from sex. God created sex to be shared between a husband and wife. Because of this, He created it to be emotional, safe, inviting, and nourishing to our souls. He created it to be beautiful and sacred. You cannot escape that part of sex. Satan has deceived society today into believing you can turn those things off. You can dress how you want, act how you want, and sleep with whoever you want with no consequences. It's fun. It's exciting. It's a lie. Sex outside the bonds of marriage is destructive.. It leaves a wake of pain and emptiness. People try to fill the empty feeling in their hearts with more sex. For a moment, they will feel desired and "loved," but they don't realize that it is only hollowing out the hole more and sending an echo of their pain through their hearts. It is an addictive, vicious cycle.

I have been celibate for over a year now. This is strange for someone my age in our world today. I hear many remarks about it. Why would you want to do that? What's the point after you've already had sex? Your life must be so boring. My answer is always the same... I do it because I finally see that I am worth it. When you finally are able to see yourself in Jesus's light, you see that you are worth the respect, love, and patience that waiting for sex requires. You are so precious. You are so valuable. You are so unique. You deserve the safety and comfort marriage brings to sex. You deserve to know that the man you are with desires you and you alone. His very being is made whole by you and you by him. You deserve the passion, intensity, and devotion love done God's way guarantees. Jesus is the only one who can fill that emptiness. He is the only one who knows the cure for your longing. Then that wholeness and fulfillment is translated into the love of your marriage. Only that love will keep you safe, protected, and full of life.

This is not a popular way of life. This is definitely not an easy way of life. But this is a fulfilling, safe, and heart-protecting way of life. The devil would have you believe that once you have slept with someone, this is a moot point, but it's not! When God healed my heart from all my pain, he made it as new. It is that new and whole heart that I am protecting for my husband. You, sister, have the same to protect. I am fighting everyday to bring something special to my husband. The day will come when I am able to open myself to him and give him the greatest gift. That day will be filled with love, hope, and safety. Sex is important. Sex is beautiful. Sex is special. Sex God's way is something worth waiting and fighting for. I will say again that I don't have all the answers, but I can tell you this... My heart is more full of love and meaning than ever before. My life is not boring. My life is exciting, and it is a journey I will be able to share with my husband as a whole and precious gift, just for him.

A God of Restoration

When you find yourself in the darkness, when the pain is your only companion behind the walls you have built around your heart, and when you are so angry you've forgotten what it means to love, where do you go? Where can you possibly take your life that will make a difference? Who could ever help you find your way back to joy or freedom? Those are the questions that drove my life for years. You've now had a look into the journey that brought me to that point. There are many people living their lives with these same questions. So many of us, unfortunately, never find a way out of that darkness. The enemy convinces us that we are safe in those self-imprisoning walls we build. The problem is, those walls keep everything out that is good for us. They keep out Jesus and his healing light. They keep out those The Lord places in our lives to help us along our journey. They keep all joy, peace, and strength at a "safe" distance from our wounded hearts. The good news is that, once you allow the light into your heart, that stagnant darkness must leave. Satan and his army are powerless to God's great name.

The special people God put in my life to help me.

My road to healing was not an easy one. I did not always stay on the path. I would constantly veer off because it got too hard or scary. Healing does not mean instant peace. It does not mean that overnight you will no longer have to wrestle with your demons. Most of the time, we do not know what the journey is going to look like. The one thing I can promise you is that the outcome is good. Jesus's plans are always good. So today I am going to talk to you about Jesus healing my relationship with Him. I am starting here because it is that relationship that is the most important and pivotal to my entire story. There would be no story if I hadn't found Jesus again. I would still be in my darkness, hard and miserable with my hate. 

When I woke up the morning after "T" raped me, I was not the same girl I was the night before. There was a fracture in my very being. The most profound change though was my complete loss of faith in Jesus. I had spent my entire life up to that point believing in Him, following His word, and doing exactly what I was taught to do in church. What I didn't know at that point was that my faith was actually my parent's faith. I had never discovered for my own heart who Jesus is. I had never deepened my faith. It had never been tested, so I lived in an ignorant bliss. That morning, however, the very fiber of my being was tested. I'd like to say my relationship with God was real and strong enough to get me through, but instead, it came unraveled altogether. 

I didn't know who Jesus really was before that terrible night. Because of this, Satan immediately planted a lie in my heart that took a deep hold. Since I had no vision of who Jesus was, the enemy gave me one. He replayed the night before in my head. This time, I saw God in the room. When I was screaming for help as T violated me, He just stood there. When I begged for mercy from my torture, He was cold and distant. When I cried for comfort and shelter for my nakedness, He turned His back on me. And the next morning when I woke up, the devil convinced me that Jesus was just gone. He had left me because I was dirty and unlovable. He had abandoned me. What kind of "Father" would allow that to happen to his child? What kind of God would allow that kind of evil? In that moment, I made an inner vow that would hurt me far beyond what T ever did to me. I vowed that I would never rely on or trust anyone again. I would never follow or love a God that turned His back on me. 

Over the next few years, there was a drastic change in my character. I became hard. I became cruel. I became selfish and self-sufficient. I needed nothing and no one. If I allowed someone to "get close" it meant that I was using them to maintain control. All the while, I did everything to avoid God. I say avoid because there were constant occasions that would draw me to Him. It could be a family member or friend asking me to church. It could be seeing a Facebook post about His love. It could be something as simple seeing a family pray at a restaurant. You see, that's the thing about Jesus. You may try to run away from Him, but He never leaves us. He is faithful. He is ever-present. This continued for years. At times, my pain would get so overwhelming, that I would actually pray. When this happened though, it ended with me being angry and telling God I hated Him for leaving me. I hated that I had ever believed He loved me. After these times, I would push everyone even farther away and work to gain control again. 

This all continued until the day I found out about my son. If there was a ever a moment in my life where I felt I had finally hit rock bottom, that was it. I was finally not able to maintain my control. I lost what little stability I thought I had gained on my own. I didn't realize it at that moment, but Kody, as a little dot on that sonogram machine, saved my life. The instrumental part that Kody played in my life at that point, was that he forced me to love someone. I could no longer be selfish and self-centered because it wasn't just me anymore. It took the life changing event of becoming a mother for me to begin taking down my walls. Very VERY slowly, I removed bricks. When you have a life altering awakening, it is uncomfortable. When I realized that I could no longer rely on myself, I was scared. I didn't know who I was supposed to rely on, I just knew I had to figure it out soon for my son's sake. 

I finally decided that I would give God one year to prove if He was real. (I'm sure God was just cracking up at this point.) I told Him that I would read the Bible every night for a year, and if He really loved me, He would show me. At this point, I was actually going to counseling with an amazing woman. She kept telling me that God had never left me. She kept saying that Jesus was a God of redemption and mercy. I still couldn't believe her though. I had been heart broken for so long. How could anyone understand? That night I read Psalms 6. "Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me? Return, O Lord, and rescue me. Save me because of your unfailing love... I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears." What?? David, a man after God's own heart, had been hurt as much as I had? I knew God loved him. I knew God's hand was always on David, and yet he still hurt too? Had God really never left me? In that moment, I asked God to show me where He had been that awful night. 

I saw Him in another light. When I was screaming for help, He was already there with his angels to fight with me. When I was begging for mercy, He was weeping too because His child was hurting. When I was crying for comfort and shelter, He was already holding me and covering my nakedness. He wasn't repulsed by the filth I felt. He was washing every stain with his own tears. He didn't see me as damaged or unlovable. He saw me as his precious daughter who he wanted to cover with his love and healing. He never left my side. He never turned away. Yes, something awful happened to me because he gave his children free will. T used his free will for evil, but God never abandoned me. When I was angry and telling God I hated Him, He was already forgiving me. And when I finally took down my walls, He was right there waiting where He had been all those years.

That night, God's love was overwhelming. I sat in my bed and sobbed as I had so many times before, but that night, it was in the comfort of my Savior's arms. My heart broke that night again, but this time it was Jesus breaking through all the pain, scars, and emptiness that surrounded my heart. When a person is injured, the surgeon must clean up the dead and ugly to get to the healthy tissue again. The surgery sets everything back to being correct, but then there are scars left. They always remind you of the pain you went through. The best part about Jesus is that he is not only a God of healing, He is also a God of restoration and redemption. When God broke my heart open again, he didn't leave scars to remind me of my hurts. He gave me a new and pure heart. When I finally surrendered my pain to Him, He didn't just help me hold it. He took it completely away. He took the control of it that I had been holding onto for so long. 

I still have a long way to go in my walk with Jesus. There are days I still fight for that control. There are still days that I don't do what I am supposed to do. I am an imperfect human serving a perfect God. A perfect God with perfect love and forgiveness. Being a child of God doesn't mean that my life is easy. There are days when bad things happen to me. There are days when I'm sad. There are days I get angry. But there is never a day that I am not with my Daddy. He is with me in every minute of my every day. "But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works." (Psalms 73:28) I give God the glory for my healing. I praise Him for his faithfulness and love. He has made beauty from my ashes. He is my Abba Father, Elohim, and Addonai. There is power in His name. There is power in our testimony.

  

Trials to Testimony

We live in a world of wounded people. Some people live with their pain daily. Some ignore their wounds because the healing process is too painful or scary. Some people are reminded of their pain by the scars that are left. Despite all the pain and devastation in the world, when you look around at the people beside you, you would never know they were hurting. You would never know that these people's lives were anything but perfect. You see, most people never really deal with their hurts. They bury them deep inside themselves. This may work for a while, but years from now, they will work their way to the surface and the person won't be able to hide from them anymore. Some people choose to deal with their hurts, receive healing, and live a full life. This is how God intended us to deal with pain. Then there are people like me. I was wounded deeply once. I ran from the pain. I buried all feelings and emotions I had. When this failed to work, I dealt with it. I faced my pain and gave it to Jesus. In his loving hands, I overcame my hurt. I decided, though, that I would leave that part of my life as a secret. I didn't want anyone to know what I had gone through. I didn't want people to see how I had changed. This was the wrong choice though. You see, as Joyce Meyers says, your trials become your testimony.

So I've decided to share my testimony with you. I will be writing several blogs on this. Today, I will share the pain. I will share the ugly parts of myself that I have kept hidden. I will write about the darkness that I lived in for years. The great part about this story is that in the next few weeks, I get to show you God's mercy and healing. I get to show you His light that is warm and safe. I get to share His freedom.

I was raised in a loving home. I was blessed by having parents who taught me about God and His sacrifices He made for us. My parents made every decision with my brother and me in mind. They worked constantly to be the best parents they could be... and let me tell you, they succeeded. They gave me everything a young girl needed. They gave me safety, confidence, and showed me God's love. They sent me to a christian school as well. This was a wonderful place to learn. It had its issues just like all schools do, but it was safe. You see, my entire upbringing was just that... safe. It was comfortable. It was a bubble. I was never put in dangerous situations. I was never forced to make a hard decision. I loved Jesus and followed Him, but my faith was never truly tested. I was sheltered from the harshness of the world. I was naive.

When I moved away to college, I left that bubble. I entered a world that new and exciting. I left the comfort of my family, friends, and church and entered the unfamiliar and the dangerous. I moved there alone, so I was anxious to hurry and make some new friends. At fish camp, I found some of those friends. They seemed different from my past friends. They were exciting, edgy, and charismatic. I was drawn to these people and the different way of life that they so easily led. They seemed happy. They seemed care-free. They had no rules to follow. It was all so different. I assumed they were all great people who would look after me and protect me. Nothing in life had ever taught me otherwise.

A couple of weeks after fish camp, there was a party. Now, I wasn't stupid. I knew people in high school who partied, but they weren't my close friends, and I had certainly never been to one. That was against the rules, so it just wasn't done. Now, however, I was on my own. I could make my own decisions. Something I had never gotten to do or really ever had to do. I still wasn't going to drink because I knew that was against what I wanted for my life at that point. So I did what every good christian girl would do and said I would be the designated driver for my friends. I was going to my first party!!!! (But I was still going to be safe.)

When we arrived at the party, my eyes were opened for the first time. The room was buzzing with laughing, talking, loud music, and what looked to me to be a great time! It was exciting and fun. This wasn't something I should be afraid of. I had been missing out! What had my parents and church friends been so worried about? I could be around people like this, have a good time with them, and still keep the person I wanted to be. My friends all dispersed into the party. I began mingling and meeting new people. I was dancing and feeling "free" for the first time in my life. Then there he was.

We will call this guy "T". I had noticed T watching me from the very beginning of the night. He had been circling me, always watching me from a safe distance, but always keeping me in view. It made me feel special. He must think I'm pretty and like me, right? Finally, he made his way over and introduced himself. He was a Sophomore engineering major. (T was good looking and smart?!) The next few hours consisted of us talking and getting to know each other. Slowly, I felt more comfortable. I felt my defenses dropping... just like he wanted. You see, men like him are not dumb. They are intelligent and organized. They are predators and can spot unsuspecting prey. He offered to get me a drink of water. I gladly accepted. I had remembered my dad warning me about letting people I don't know get me drinks. He tried to teach me about date rape drugs. But that was for girls who were provocative and partying too much, right? That never happened to girls like me. I wasn't even drinking! That was the last clear thought I had before T returned with my roofied water.

I don't remember much of him raping me. I thank God for that. I have blurred images. I remember him telling me he liked to hear me cry. I remember him laughing when I screamed. Then it all goes black. When I woke up the next morning, the glitter of the night before was gone. The "freedom" I had felt was now chains of anguish. I was naked. I was bleeding. I was bruised. I was alone. I went home, got in the shower and scrubbed my skin until it was raw. I needed to get every trace of that place off of me. I sat in the shower and sobbed. My pain wracked my body, enveloping me in its darkness. I stayed in my room for weeks. I wouldn't talk to anyone. I stayed in the walls I had built. I didn't tell anyone what had happened.

When I finally left my room, I did everything possible to not feel my haunting pain. I began drinking almost every night. I surrounded myself with people who didn't care if I was happy because this meant that they wouldn't ask me if I was ok. I hated when people asked what was going on because then it all came rushing back to me. When the drinking didn't work, I turned to other things. I made sure that I was in control in every situation. I promised myself that I would never again be the victim. I would set all the rules. I stayed in this cruel numbness for years. I did everything possible to avoid emotion or connection.

You see, T did so much more to me that day than most people realize. In that moment, he completely stole my innocence. I was no longer that soft naive little girl. The evil of the world had ravished my heart. I became hard, impenetrable. I lost all trust in men. I used them to keep my control, but never let them know me. I separated myself from my family. I lied to them daily to keep them at a distance. That became the norm for me in every relationship and friendship I had. If anyone tried to get close to me, I would be cruel to them. I lived in the defensive. My brother once told me that I had become self-centered, and he was right. I only cared about me. I only relied on myself. No one else mattered in my life because no one else could be trusted.

The worst thing that happened to me that day, was the breaking of my bond to Jesus. I could not believe that the God I had loved my entire life had let this happen to me. Where was He? Why didn't he stop that man? The minute my faith wavered, Satan came rushing in with his lies. Rather than seeing Jesus as the person to run to with my pain, I saw Him as the reason it existed. I became angry at God. I turned my back on him and kept walking. I lost all relationship I ever had. I eliminated Him from my life... or so I thought. The truth is that despite what I chose to do, say, or think, God never left me. He was with me every minute of every day. He was yearning to take that pain from me. He is faithful even when we are not. We will get to that in a later blog though.

Now you know my pain. Now you know my deepest wound and biggest scar. I wish I could say that that is where my pain ends, but it's not. Throughout the years, I made poor decisions that caused more pain. That's what happens when you live in your pain instead of pursuing healing. There were days that I never thought I would know how to laugh again. I thought I would never cry again because that meant I would have to feel again. I am blessed to tell you, however, that I am joyful now. I cry when I am happy, when I'm sad, and when I'm mad. I feel and I feel deeply. How? Jesus. He is the only answer. I am honored to be able to share my testimony with you. I am honored to be a child of the Most High that gets to share of his love and redemption. I hope that this will minister to those who need it. I pray that as you read my words, God will touch your heart. I pray that my story brings glory to God because my life is His victory.

I also know that I am not anywhere close to the only one who has suffered from sexual abuse. This is a serious problem in our society. If you are reading this and you have found yourself in this situation, talk to someone. Get help. You are not alone. It was not your fault. There are people who will walk with you through the darkness until you find your light again. Don't suffer in your pain any more.

Wait For Me

To my Future Husband,

As I'm writing you this letter, I am sitting in my room at my parent's ranch. I am looking out my window at a beautiful green field with a canyon in the background. It's warm. It's bright and inviting. Out here, I am able to breathe. I am able to focus on Jesus and my dreams because there are no distractions here. When I am here, I think about my life a lot. I wonder who Kody will turn out to be. I dream about my career and the difference I will finally be able to make. I pray for my friends and my family. I also think, dream, and pray about you when I am here. Out here, I am able to connect to my heart in the silence. In that silence, I find the still place that makes me long for you. 

I don't know what you are doing right now, but I think about it often because the decisions you are making now will affect the man you become. They will decide the kind of man I will spend my life with. You could be with your friends on an adventure half way across the world. You could be working on a project. You could be enjoying this beautiful Sunday afternoon outside at a park. You could simply be reading or in a quiet place just like me. I don't know if you are just a few minutes away from me or if you are hundreds of miles away. You may be a charismatic leader who people respect and follow easily. You could be a humble man who people are drawn to because of your easy spirit. You may be shy, brave, silly, serious, or a unique mix of them all. I don't have any idea who you will turn out to be. I do know, however, that you will be my perfect mate. You will be the man that God knows we both need you to be. 

When I think about finally meeting you, an emotion fills my soul. It is not just happiness. It is not just excitement. It is something more. It is like my heart is coming alive. It is a feeling of fulfillment, a future, and safety. When I think about you, so much more than just falling in love with you comes to mind. I think about the father that you will be to Kody. You will have to be a special man because Kody is already such a special boy. He has a need in his life of a Godly father who will teach him what it means to be a man in a world where true boldness is criticized. You will not only be his father, but his best friend. That relationship will warm my heart. I think about the future we will get to build together. Sometimes this makes me nervous. Will we live in a big city or a small town? Will be have more children? Will I be able to balance my career with my family? And then, I just stop. I remember that none of that is really up to me. It is solely up to Jesus and the direction he takes our lives. I won't have to make these decisions by myself because I will have you to go to God with in prayer. I can't wait to have you as my teammate.

I want to apologize to you. I am sorry for not thinking about you for most of the last 25 years. I have made decisions and acted in ways that never considered how it would affect you in the future. I have been selfish. I have given of myself freely to men who did not deserve me. I have not protected my heart as the treasure for you that it truly is. I have not always gone to the Lord to fill the loneliness in my life. I often times listened to the world when I should have listened to Jesus. I have not seen myself as the sacred beauty that God created me to be for you. I am so sorry. Even before I meet you, I want to ask for your forgiveness. And in that forgiveness, I want to make you a promise. I vow to respect you and our future. I promise to save every piece of my heart and spirit for you. I will protect my body and my heart for you and you alone. I know this will be hard. This will be criticized by many and definitely not seen as the popular choice, but it is the right choice. It is what you and I both deserve. Jesus will forever be my place of comfort and love. I will fill that loneliness in my heart with His spirit until you come along and take it away in the way that only you can. I will go to Jesus daily so that He can continue to soften and mold me into the woman I need to be for you.

My love, wait for me. In a world that mocks patience and doing things the Lord's way, wait for me. Until it is God's perfect time for us to meet, continue to follow Him. Continue to let Jesus shape your heart and character. Grow into the fullness of all He has planned for you. Chase after all that brings you joy. Find the passion that God planted in your heart and pursue it with your whole heart. It is that passion that I will find so attractive. I can't wait to see your eyes light up when you talk about your dreams the Lord has given you. Surround yourself with Godly men who will encourage your walk with Jesus. Find those friends who will pray with you in the lonely times and hold you accountable while we wait for each other. Keep those men close who will pray for our relationship and push us to be stronger in the Lord together. Promise me that you will protect your heart so that I will be able to live openly and vulnerably in it. Wherever you are, whoever you are... wait for me. 

I pray for you every day. I pray that you are a bold man of faith. I pray that you encounter Jesus on a daily basis and bask in the comfort of His love for you. I pray that you will continue to have patience for me as Jesus is still working on me. I pray for your heart not only as a husband but as a father. I always pray that the Lord would already be preparing your heart for the special kind of love it requires to love as a parent. I pray that you are consistent because that will translate into safety in our marriage. I pray that you are living a full and wonderful life. You never leave my prayers. You never leave my thoughts. You never leave my heart. 

When we finally meet, I know that it won't always be easy. I know we will have wonderful times of victories and crushing times of defeats. We will not always know what the right thing is to do. We will not always be the perfect parents. I will not always be the perfect wife. I will forget to wash the clothes or burn the dinner. I will frustrate you and push your buttons. But I will also always love you. I will be your rock and safe place. I will be a good woman in our storms. I will pursue you every day for the rest of our lives. I will always flirt with you and make sure you know you are enough. I will respect and honor you as the leader of our home. I will go to Jesus daily for my strength and joy so that I may freely translate that into our marriage. Do the same for me. Continue to romance me. Write me love letters. When we are old and gray, date me like we are teenagers again. I have no idea what the journey looks like that God has prepared for us. What I do know, is that it is good. It is full of hope, love, and joy. 

There are days when my heart longs for you so badly it hurts. I am so ready to be your wife. I am ready to love you with all that I am. I am ready to serve you and honor you. I am ready grow into the perfect version of me that only your love will reveal. I am ready to be fiercely devoted to you. I am ready for our family. I am ready for our home. Until God decides that day is here, know that I am waiting for you. When you are having a bad day, someone is already praying for you. When you are feeling alone, someone is already loving you. 

I long for you. I will continue to pray with you and for you. I love you.

Till we meet,

Your Future Wife

Dear Daughter...

To My Future Daughter in Law,

This is such an exciting letter to have the privilege to write. As I am writing this, your future husband is walking around butt naked after his bath, proclaiming that he is the king of the house!

(He's always loved being naked)

He is so proud of himself, and at the same time, so timid and curious if he is enough. He needs to know that his mommy sees him and is proud of him too. He has such a sweet heart, but is very very much a boy. He loves sword fighting, bulls, riding "vroom vrooms", and transformers. But each night, he also needs to still be held and feel the love I have for him. He still needs to be read his book and tucked into bed. He is very very special. I know every freckle on his body and the difference in every cry he has. You, on the other hand, I don't know at all yet. I have no idea what you will be like or who you are right now. You may be laying in bed getting tucked in by your mommy or parading around naked acting like a princess yourself! Maybe my son will fall in love with an older woman and you are already playing dress up or reading a book all by yourself. Only the Lord knows at this point who you will turn out to be. That is the exciting part! Only God knows who you and Kody will turn out to be because He designed your hearts, spirits,and characters when you two were still just dreams in your mother and mine's heads. Even before you were born, God knew the woman you would become. Maybe you will be artsy. Maybe you will be serious. Maybe you will be adventurous. All I know is that you are perfect the way you are because God doesn't make mistakes.

I'm sure you will figure out that Kody's arrival was not exactly planned. During a very painful part of my life, I made a very dangerous decision. The outcome of that decision was your husband. I still remember the day I found out about him. I was terrified. I walked into the room to get my sonogram to see how far along I was. He was just a dot on the screen. You couldn't see any details yet, but let me tell you... in that very first second of seeing that dot, I fell in love. I fell in love with the perfect little baby growing in me. My family and I had a lot of hurt to work through. During those nine months, I learned a lot. I learned how to forgive myself and to forgive others. I learned how to rely on what God thought about me instead of what the world thought about me. I learned that I was a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. Most importantly though, I learned how to love again. My heart had become so hard and cold. I was incapable of truly loving anyone because I was too busy keeping them out of my heart where I could be hurt. Your husband taught me to love again.

When I arrived at the hospital to have Kody, I still didn't have a clue what being a mother was going to be like. I was still scared and unsure of myself. I still didn't know what it would be like to take care of someone else and care for them above myself. Finally after a long day, Kody arrived. My heart froze until I heard him cry for the first time. The nurse handed him to me, I looked at him, and then it finally happened... my heart learned to love again. His sweet face looking into mine broke open my heart. My capacity to love grew exponentially. He was my savior. What a blessing he has been since that day. Not only have I learned to love him, but I have learned to love others. God has since then softened my heart and shown me how to be vulnerable again. Sweet girl, my heart is also ready to love you. Since the very minute Kody was born, I have prayed for him. I have prayed that he would be a man among men. I have prayed that he would have a heart like David... a heart after God's own heart. I have cried through prayers of blessing over him, and I have besought the Lord to surround Kody with His love and peace throughout his entire life. I have also prayed that he would be a loving, consistent, and strong husband for you.

Throughout the years, I have noticed that a lot of women are overly protective of their sons when it comes to dating. They write blogs about the "rules for dating their sons" or comment how no girl will ever be good enough for their little boy. This seems strange to me and to a degree makes me sad. I have been in your shoes. I have been the girl trying to make his family like you. It's terrifying! It is like a big test to see if you are worthy of love and acceptance. I am sure that when you meet me, you will be clinging to Kody's hand like it is your lifeline. You will be thinking I am the big bad mother wolf who is hungry for the next "potential daughter in law snack." Let me let you in on a little secret.... I am on your side!! I hope that this letter will calm your nerves and assure you that I am not the enemy. You see, I don't agree with those moms. I will be the best mother that God can make me, but I will still not complete that man that Kody needs to be. God created mothers to prepare their sons to be men and show them how to follow Jesus. God created wives to complete those men. I am pro- you!!

I am fully aware of the responsibilities of being a mother now. I have so many things to teach Kody. I have to teach him his alphabet, how to tie his shoe, how to use the "big boy potty", and how to be a good friend. I will play many many roles throughout his life. I will be his cheerleader when he makes the big play or when he is doubting himself. I will be his teacher when he is unsure of what to do. I will be his disciplinarian when he decides to make some not so good decisions. I will be a shoulder to cry on when he doesn't get picked for a team or when his heart is broken for the first time. I will be his counselor when he is facing difficult times. At times, he will see me as his enemy when he and I aren't seeing eye to eye. I will also be his first girlfriend. I will teach him how he is supposed to treat girls. I will teach him how the Lord sees women and the sacred holiness of marriage. I will teach him good manners. I will teach him to put Jesus at the center of each relationship. I will teach him to protect his heart along with the hearts of each girl he dates. I will teach him that sex is an amazing thing made by God, but that it is a treasure for you alone. Everything that I will teach him, the fruits of all of my labors of mothering, are aiming towards one thing... that when he leaves my home to start one with you, he will be the man of God that you deserve.

(He will be your hero too)

I have prayed for Kody from the very first day I knew of him. I have also prayed for you from that day.I have prayed that you would be a woman among women. I have prayed that you would love the Lord deeply and know Him in a profound way. I have prayed that you would have a vulnerable and servant's heart, but that you are a strong and fierce warrior in a storm. I pray that you love yourself and are confident. I pray that you go to the Lord daily for your strength so that you may give freely of yourself to my son. I pray that you have a passionate, secure, and Godly marriage with Kody. You are constant in my quiet times. When I finally meet you, I will probably be just as nervous as you. I'm sure I will have heard all about you and have a picture in my head of what you will be like. I also am sure that I will be completely blown away by who you really are. That's the great thing about Jesus... He completely outdoes what we can even imagine. I am so looking forward to meeting you!! You are an irreplaceable part of my son's life. You will be essential to his journey that the Lord has planned for him. I will not see you as a girl trying to steal my son or some girl to scare away. I will see you as the perfect missing puzzle piece. I will see you as the perfect mate that God created for my son.

You will do so many things for my son that no one else can do:
You will make him a better man.
You will make his heart feel things it has never felt before.
You will show him the tender side of Jesus.
You will increase his need to protect his family.
You will show him mercy.
You will teach him what grace looks like.
You will show him a different kind of dedication.
You will love his best and his worst.
You will show him undying love and forgiveness.
You will give him the blessing of children.
You will encourage him in his role as a father.
You will be his consistency in a world that is shaky and ever changing.
You will be his rock.
You will be is hiding place when he needs to be weak.
You will push him and at times pull him.
You will stand beside him and behind him.
You will teach him intimacy.
You will be his best friend.
You will draw him to Jesus as he leads you in the same direction.

One of these days, Kody will look at me and tell me that he wants to marry you. In that moment, I will look back at his life. I will remember holding him during those still, quiet first moments of  his life. I will remember all the boo boos I kissed and all the tears I caught. I will remember the great victories and the painful losses. I will remember watching him grow from my precious innocent boy into a strong confident man. I will remember being so scared to let him grow up, while at the same time, being so proud of the direction he has taken. I will realize that I am the woman who holds and gets to treasure his past.

But you, my dear, are the woman who God has chosen to protect and experience his future. You will be the perfect partner that God made to experience life with him. Do not fear me. Do not think I don't love you. I cherish you. I rejoice in what you mean to my son. I praise God alone for bringing you into our lives to fill that very special place in Kody's heart. You will make him a better man and do things for his life that I could never have done as his mother.  

So, until we meet, I want to make you some promises. I promise to pray for you and your life. I also promise to do my best in raising your husband. I will do my best to raise you a man among men. A leader among leaders. And to help him be a strong, consistent, humble, brave, and loving man. A good man in a storm.

As you wait for my son, know that I am waiting for you. I am praying for you. I love you.

- Your Future Mother in Law  

Dear Kody...

Dear Kody,

As your mother, there are so many things I want to say to you. There are lessons I need to teach you, stories I want to tell you, and blessings I want to pray over you. As of right now, you are asleep in your bed. You are wearing your "dragon jam jams" and cuddling with your Pooh blanket. You are so little. You are so innocent and dependent on me. These are days that I value and days that, I realize, are in short supply. Soon, you will be learning things on your own, you will be too old for kissing mommy, you will be playing sports, and sooner than I want, you will be leaving my home to start your own. So, while I have you here with me, I want to tell you a few things.

Your innocence is mesmerizing.

First, above all else, your relationship with the Lord is the most important thing. I have prayed the Lord's blessings over you since you were in my womb. The Lord has heard my prayers and blessed me with an amazing little boy. As you grow into the man He plans for you to be, press into Him. Rely on Him for all things. Turn to Him in your times of need and also in your times of joy. He will show you the way you need to go, and He will mold your heart into the most perfect form of you. There will be times when people may make fun of you for your faith. I can tell you that as this world is progressing, it is not the "cool thing", but I can also promise you that it is the only real thing in life. So, in your daily life, read His word. Hide it in your heart and always follow His instruction. You will never regret it.

Find good friends. This is such an important lesson. The friends that you choose to surround yourself with will shape the person that you become. As you grow, you will learn that I did not always choose the best friends. I let them lead me astray and because of that, I made some very painful and poor decisions. I don't ever want this for you. Kody, surround yourself with Godly men who will push you and encourage you in your walk. Find friends who will laugh with you in the good times, cry with you in the bad, and forgive you when you need it. Find friends who will give you wise council and pray with you through hard decisions. Jesus chose twelve close friends during His time on Earth because He understood and wanted to show us that the company you keep is essential in your walk. Your grandpa always told me that you can never bring a group of bad friends up, they will only bring you down. He is right, so search for those rare and wonderful men who will only encourage your special light rather than putting it out.

Pursue and wait for a Godly woman. Gosh, this is so important!! Dating God's way is becoming so rare and so "out of style." It's considered old-fashioned to date with meaning. It is almost unheard of to wait for marriage to have sex. This is also a lesson that I learned the hard way. I have done it the "popular" way, Kody. I have dated many many men. I did not wait for my future husband to have sex. I have felt the pain and loneliness, the desperation for something more, that this type of dating leaves you with. It is soul crushing and leaves devastation in its wake. When it comes time for you date, do it with the Lord in the center of your heart and the center of each relationship. If you do this, I can guarantee that you will have a pure and whole heart to give to your wife, and also just as importantly, you will leave each woman with her whole heart as well. When you are a little older, I will begin to have you take me on dates. I will teach you to bring her flowers, pull out her chair, pay for the dates, and walk her to her door. Remember these little lessons. When you start to date, DO NOT ask them out over text or e-mail. Do it in person. Treat her the way you will want some man treating your future wife if she is on a date too. Let her meet me and don't be afraid of that. Keep your body and hers sacred, but don't be afraid to kiss her if she is deserving of that from a man like you. I am positive that we will have many many talks about dating, but most importantly, just remember that I am on your side. I have been praying for your wife since the day you were born. Marriage is not what the movies wants you to think. It is hard. It takes not just a girl, but a woman of God who will dig in with you during the hard times. She is out there and she is more than worth the wait.

 (By the way, if you ever doubt me on this, talk to your Uncle Christopher and Aunt Jessica... they will tell you how great it is!)

Find a passion. In this day and age, there are so many people that are traveling aimlessly through their days. They don't have anything that drives them. Nothing that puts a fire in their eyes. I want you to find the thing that Jesus puts in your heart that is the driving force for your days. Find the thing that puts a smile on your face, lights the fire in your spirit, and brings out a side of you that nothing else can. For me it is veterinary medicine. I still remember the first time I did a physical exam, placed a catheter, helped pull a calf, or placed my first stitches. My heart comes alive when I am helping animals. God put that love in my heart when he created me. Now, it is that passion that drives me every day. It is a blessing to wake up and get to do what I love most, so when you find that passion, hold on to it! Chase it and go at it with your whole heart. You will discover new things about you as you do that are wonderful. There will be many things along the way that make you happy too, enjoy these to the fullest. Anything that the Lord brings to your life that enhances it, relish those things.

Never ever give up. Perseverance is an important characteristic that every man needs. While God promised that His plans for us are good, He never promised that every day would be easy. I wish that I could protect you from every hard time that will come, but I can't. So, when those hard times do come, I want you to remember to never stop. Push through those days, weeks, and months that push you to your limit. Another important lesson your grandpa taught me is that momentum is the key to life. It may be hard to start, but once you get going in the right direction, it's hard to stop. Remember that. Men need to learn to be strong. Someday you will have your own family, and when the times get really hard, they will look to you for their strength. When you are feeling weak, turn to God for his strength. The Bible teaches us that our strength is found in His might. He will never let you down.

Go to college. While I realize that there are many things a person can do in their lives without a college education, there are things that college does for you that are so good. It will teach you self-discipline. I won't be there anymore to tell you to study or go to bed when you should. I won't be there to tell you to go to church. It's all up to you! College will put you out of your comfort zone. It will force you to make new friends, to try new things, and to travel to new places. College will give you life-long memories. There are football games, clubs to join, trips to take, and new adventures that home can't really offer in the same way. I lived a pretty sheltered life in Amarillo. When I went to Texas A&M, I was blown away at the difference. I grew a lot in college and wouldn't take it back. Yes, your college degree will help you find a great career, but it will also teach you life lessons to help you along your path.

Take the time to travel. God has created such an amazing and wonderful world for His children. It would be a shame for you not to explore it. Every nation, land, and people have lessons to teach us. There are sights that are humbling to see. While you are young, I want you to make a list of every place you would like to see, and promise me, before you are old and gray, that you will make it to every one of them. Climb to the top of a mountain. Swim the Great Barrier Reef. Experience the pain of the Colosseum. Travel Europe and learn where our ancestors came from. Go to Africa and see the majestic animals there. Enjoy the sun on a beach in South America. Walk the Great Wall of China and realize all that people are capable of. Most importantly, everywhere you go, spread God's love and learn as much as you can. Also, be sure to send your mom a postcard.

This is by no means all that I need to tell you for your life. I will have hundreds of lessons to teach you, but the last one I want to tell you for today, is one that I want you to remember for the rest of your life. Kody, I am your mommy and will always always love you. I never knew my heart was capable of this kind of love until I held you for the first time. The very first time I looked at you, something inside me broke. Your little face looking at mine, broke the wall around my heart that I had built. I had become a hard woman who was impenetrable. You were my saving grace.

Kody, I want you to remember that I will always be a safe place for you. When you mess you up, come to me. When you are sad, cry in my arms. When you are happy, share that excitement with me. There will be times when we don't get along. There will be times I am frustrated or disappointed with you. But there will NEVER be a day that I don't love you with every ounce of my being. I have loved you from the very minute that I knew about you, and that love has only grown. You will outgrow my lap someday, but you will never outgrow my heart.

I love you and am proud of you.

- Mommy

Kody Markers.

There are many things that change when you become a mother. You learn to sing along with every movie and toy (since it would apparently be a travesty for toys to be made without sound effects). You can change diapers and wash bottles like a champ. You become a child feeding ninja that can sneak food into your child's mouth without them even noticing. You get bags and dark circles under your eyes that become a permanent fixture. You learn your child's unique toddler talk (because I promise each kid sounds different from the other when they are learning to talk and communicate). You learn to fall asleep at the drop of a hat any chance you get. 

All of these are so fun and special in their own way, but the one thing I have noticed when talking to other moms is that the one thing we struggle with the most (yes, even superheroes struggle sometimes) is the physical changes. Nothing is quite the same after you give birth. Everything hangs a little looser, clothes don't fit the same, your hormones are out of control, you get grey hairs long before you wanted them... oh the joys!! The thing I personally have struggled with the most has been the stretch marks. When I was pregnant, I worked so hard to avoid them. I used all the creams and lotions they told you to. At first I thought I was going to get through it with none, but then a couple weeks before Kody came, BOOM!! they all appeared... big bummer.  

Since having Kody, I have constantly been working on my weight. I'm adjusting to the hormone changes, and thankfully, someone years and years ago invented hair color to cover up my ever increasing grey hairs. But still, to this day, I am embarrassed of my stretch marks. I am losing weight, don't tan, moisturize, but STILL they refuse to go anywhere. So instead of letting the feeling of defeat take over me, I decided to change my thinking about them. 

Rather than see these lines as something to be ashamed of, I've decided to focus on what they represent instead. They represent the perfect, warm home that my stomach made for Kody.There is a mark for every time he sucked his thumb. There is a mark for every breath he took, every sleepy yawn, and every hiccup. One for every time he turned in my belly and slept in the most perfect darkness. A mark for every time he would poke me as I sang to him. A mark for every time I would dream of what he would turn out to be like. A mark for every time I prayed for his future and character. My stomach may not be the prettiest or most perfect thing out there and will probably never be. Some may even call it ugly. But it held my precious baby boy until my arms could, and for that, I am so thankful. 

So yes, I have had to adjust to a million different things, and still have so many things to overcome and learn. There are days that I miss my "pre-baby" body and life, but every time I look at my body, I no longer see stretch marks.... I see Kody markers. 

That's my Life.

Hi there! My name is Heritage, but those who know me best call me Tige. These days, there are millions of blogs out there for you to read. Blogs about cooking, fitness, love, religion, politics... there are blogs for everything! So, you may be wondering why I thought I have anything new to offer you. The answer is, I may not. All I have to offer is the story of my life and the things that I think might make a difference to someone. I want to be open with my heart and life to hopefully make a difference in people's lives. I was nervous to start this, but someone dear to me told me that once I get started, it will just come to me. So to start off, I thought I would share the important aspects of who I am and what is dear to my heart.

1) I love Jesus Christ. Before we go any further, that is the most important thing you need to know about me. This may offend you or you may love this fact about me, but it is the center of who I am. Everyday I am striving to follow His path for my life. I fail many many times in many different ways, but luckily, He is a merciful and all-loving God. His grace is never-failing and constant in my life.

2) I am a single mom. I have a little boy named Kody Landon. He is the best part of me. Now after reading number one, this may catch some people off guard, but remember when I talked about God's mercy and grace? I have made some decisions in my life that led me to this and God's grace has made beauty from my ashes. Kody will probably frequent my blog entries because (besides the fact that he is the cutest baby in the world) raising him teaches me so many things.

See?! Told ya he was cute!

3) I am in veterinary school. God has put a burning passion in my life for animals. I just finished my first year. It was life-changing. This past year showed me that I have the ability to make it through all types of trials, and it also taught me that I'm stronger than I ever thought. Raising a son and putting myself through vet school may seem like a crazy life.... and you're right it is! But I love every day of it. I want to be a vet that changes the lives of the clients I meet while loving and helping their animals. It's going to be a lot fun!

4) I love my family. I can tell you that my family has its problems just like every family does, but they are the only reason that I have been able to make it where I am today. They are my support system, my cheerleaders, my coaches, and my voice of reason when I don't know what to do. My parents and my brother and his wife all deserve an award for putting up with me and never giving up on me. 

5) I am waiting for the man God has picked for me. Now depending on your personal opinion, 25 could be too young to be wanting marriage or I could be past my prime and looking at a single life forever. But in the end, I am single and I am waiting for who God has chosen for me. I have always had a heart that longs to be a wife and mother. My mommy heart is full and happy, but I still long for my companion. My heart is so ready to love someone. There are days when I am terribly lonely, but the best part about loving and trusting Jesus is knowing that He is in control and knows exactly where my husband is. So until I meet him, I will just be focusing on my family and my relationship with God.

So that's me. That's the life I have to offer for you to follow. There will be days that I will share my joys and triumphs, and there will be days that I share my hurts and my failures. I will never claim to be a woman who has it all together in life. All that I am is a single mom who is learning to love herself and all of those around her. I live a crazy busy life. I juggle school, parenthood, family, friends, and dating all while trying to appear perfectly normal. That's my life... and I wouldn't have it any other way.