Wait For Me

To my Future Husband,

As I'm writing you this letter, I am sitting in my room at my parent's ranch. I am looking out my window at a beautiful green field with a canyon in the background. It's warm. It's bright and inviting. Out here, I am able to breathe. I am able to focus on Jesus and my dreams because there are no distractions here. When I am here, I think about my life a lot. I wonder who Kody will turn out to be. I dream about my career and the difference I will finally be able to make. I pray for my friends and my family. I also think, dream, and pray about you when I am here. Out here, I am able to connect to my heart in the silence. In that silence, I find the still place that makes me long for you. 

I don't know what you are doing right now, but I think about it often because the decisions you are making now will affect the man you become. They will decide the kind of man I will spend my life with. You could be with your friends on an adventure half way across the world. You could be working on a project. You could be enjoying this beautiful Sunday afternoon outside at a park. You could simply be reading or in a quiet place just like me. I don't know if you are just a few minutes away from me or if you are hundreds of miles away. You may be a charismatic leader who people respect and follow easily. You could be a humble man who people are drawn to because of your easy spirit. You may be shy, brave, silly, serious, or a unique mix of them all. I don't have any idea who you will turn out to be. I do know, however, that you will be my perfect mate. You will be the man that God knows we both need you to be. 

When I think about finally meeting you, an emotion fills my soul. It is not just happiness. It is not just excitement. It is something more. It is like my heart is coming alive. It is a feeling of fulfillment, a future, and safety. When I think about you, so much more than just falling in love with you comes to mind. I think about the father that you will be to Kody. You will have to be a special man because Kody is already such a special boy. He has a need in his life of a Godly father who will teach him what it means to be a man in a world where true boldness is criticized. You will not only be his father, but his best friend. That relationship will warm my heart. I think about the future we will get to build together. Sometimes this makes me nervous. Will we live in a big city or a small town? Will be have more children? Will I be able to balance my career with my family? And then, I just stop. I remember that none of that is really up to me. It is solely up to Jesus and the direction he takes our lives. I won't have to make these decisions by myself because I will have you to go to God with in prayer. I can't wait to have you as my teammate.

I want to apologize to you. I am sorry for not thinking about you for most of the last 25 years. I have made decisions and acted in ways that never considered how it would affect you in the future. I have been selfish. I have given of myself freely to men who did not deserve me. I have not protected my heart as the treasure for you that it truly is. I have not always gone to the Lord to fill the loneliness in my life. I often times listened to the world when I should have listened to Jesus. I have not seen myself as the sacred beauty that God created me to be for you. I am so sorry. Even before I meet you, I want to ask for your forgiveness. And in that forgiveness, I want to make you a promise. I vow to respect you and our future. I promise to save every piece of my heart and spirit for you. I will protect my body and my heart for you and you alone. I know this will be hard. This will be criticized by many and definitely not seen as the popular choice, but it is the right choice. It is what you and I both deserve. Jesus will forever be my place of comfort and love. I will fill that loneliness in my heart with His spirit until you come along and take it away in the way that only you can. I will go to Jesus daily so that He can continue to soften and mold me into the woman I need to be for you.

My love, wait for me. In a world that mocks patience and doing things the Lord's way, wait for me. Until it is God's perfect time for us to meet, continue to follow Him. Continue to let Jesus shape your heart and character. Grow into the fullness of all He has planned for you. Chase after all that brings you joy. Find the passion that God planted in your heart and pursue it with your whole heart. It is that passion that I will find so attractive. I can't wait to see your eyes light up when you talk about your dreams the Lord has given you. Surround yourself with Godly men who will encourage your walk with Jesus. Find those friends who will pray with you in the lonely times and hold you accountable while we wait for each other. Keep those men close who will pray for our relationship and push us to be stronger in the Lord together. Promise me that you will protect your heart so that I will be able to live openly and vulnerably in it. Wherever you are, whoever you are... wait for me. 

I pray for you every day. I pray that you are a bold man of faith. I pray that you encounter Jesus on a daily basis and bask in the comfort of His love for you. I pray that you will continue to have patience for me as Jesus is still working on me. I pray for your heart not only as a husband but as a father. I always pray that the Lord would already be preparing your heart for the special kind of love it requires to love as a parent. I pray that you are consistent because that will translate into safety in our marriage. I pray that you are living a full and wonderful life. You never leave my prayers. You never leave my thoughts. You never leave my heart. 

When we finally meet, I know that it won't always be easy. I know we will have wonderful times of victories and crushing times of defeats. We will not always know what the right thing is to do. We will not always be the perfect parents. I will not always be the perfect wife. I will forget to wash the clothes or burn the dinner. I will frustrate you and push your buttons. But I will also always love you. I will be your rock and safe place. I will be a good woman in our storms. I will pursue you every day for the rest of our lives. I will always flirt with you and make sure you know you are enough. I will respect and honor you as the leader of our home. I will go to Jesus daily for my strength and joy so that I may freely translate that into our marriage. Do the same for me. Continue to romance me. Write me love letters. When we are old and gray, date me like we are teenagers again. I have no idea what the journey looks like that God has prepared for us. What I do know, is that it is good. It is full of hope, love, and joy. 

There are days when my heart longs for you so badly it hurts. I am so ready to be your wife. I am ready to love you with all that I am. I am ready to serve you and honor you. I am ready grow into the perfect version of me that only your love will reveal. I am ready to be fiercely devoted to you. I am ready for our family. I am ready for our home. Until God decides that day is here, know that I am waiting for you. When you are having a bad day, someone is already praying for you. When you are feeling alone, someone is already loving you. 

I long for you. I will continue to pray with you and for you. I love you.

Till we meet,

Your Future Wife

Dear Daughter...

To My Future Daughter in Law,

This is such an exciting letter to have the privilege to write. As I am writing this, your future husband is walking around butt naked after his bath, proclaiming that he is the king of the house!

(He's always loved being naked)

He is so proud of himself, and at the same time, so timid and curious if he is enough. He needs to know that his mommy sees him and is proud of him too. He has such a sweet heart, but is very very much a boy. He loves sword fighting, bulls, riding "vroom vrooms", and transformers. But each night, he also needs to still be held and feel the love I have for him. He still needs to be read his book and tucked into bed. He is very very special. I know every freckle on his body and the difference in every cry he has. You, on the other hand, I don't know at all yet. I have no idea what you will be like or who you are right now. You may be laying in bed getting tucked in by your mommy or parading around naked acting like a princess yourself! Maybe my son will fall in love with an older woman and you are already playing dress up or reading a book all by yourself. Only the Lord knows at this point who you will turn out to be. That is the exciting part! Only God knows who you and Kody will turn out to be because He designed your hearts, spirits,and characters when you two were still just dreams in your mother and mine's heads. Even before you were born, God knew the woman you would become. Maybe you will be artsy. Maybe you will be serious. Maybe you will be adventurous. All I know is that you are perfect the way you are because God doesn't make mistakes.

I'm sure you will figure out that Kody's arrival was not exactly planned. During a very painful part of my life, I made a very dangerous decision. The outcome of that decision was your husband. I still remember the day I found out about him. I was terrified. I walked into the room to get my sonogram to see how far along I was. He was just a dot on the screen. You couldn't see any details yet, but let me tell you... in that very first second of seeing that dot, I fell in love. I fell in love with the perfect little baby growing in me. My family and I had a lot of hurt to work through. During those nine months, I learned a lot. I learned how to forgive myself and to forgive others. I learned how to rely on what God thought about me instead of what the world thought about me. I learned that I was a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. Most importantly though, I learned how to love again. My heart had become so hard and cold. I was incapable of truly loving anyone because I was too busy keeping them out of my heart where I could be hurt. Your husband taught me to love again.

When I arrived at the hospital to have Kody, I still didn't have a clue what being a mother was going to be like. I was still scared and unsure of myself. I still didn't know what it would be like to take care of someone else and care for them above myself. Finally after a long day, Kody arrived. My heart froze until I heard him cry for the first time. The nurse handed him to me, I looked at him, and then it finally happened... my heart learned to love again. His sweet face looking into mine broke open my heart. My capacity to love grew exponentially. He was my savior. What a blessing he has been since that day. Not only have I learned to love him, but I have learned to love others. God has since then softened my heart and shown me how to be vulnerable again. Sweet girl, my heart is also ready to love you. Since the very minute Kody was born, I have prayed for him. I have prayed that he would be a man among men. I have prayed that he would have a heart like David... a heart after God's own heart. I have cried through prayers of blessing over him, and I have besought the Lord to surround Kody with His love and peace throughout his entire life. I have also prayed that he would be a loving, consistent, and strong husband for you.

Throughout the years, I have noticed that a lot of women are overly protective of their sons when it comes to dating. They write blogs about the "rules for dating their sons" or comment how no girl will ever be good enough for their little boy. This seems strange to me and to a degree makes me sad. I have been in your shoes. I have been the girl trying to make his family like you. It's terrifying! It is like a big test to see if you are worthy of love and acceptance. I am sure that when you meet me, you will be clinging to Kody's hand like it is your lifeline. You will be thinking I am the big bad mother wolf who is hungry for the next "potential daughter in law snack." Let me let you in on a little secret.... I am on your side!! I hope that this letter will calm your nerves and assure you that I am not the enemy. You see, I don't agree with those moms. I will be the best mother that God can make me, but I will still not complete that man that Kody needs to be. God created mothers to prepare their sons to be men and show them how to follow Jesus. God created wives to complete those men. I am pro- you!!

I am fully aware of the responsibilities of being a mother now. I have so many things to teach Kody. I have to teach him his alphabet, how to tie his shoe, how to use the "big boy potty", and how to be a good friend. I will play many many roles throughout his life. I will be his cheerleader when he makes the big play or when he is doubting himself. I will be his teacher when he is unsure of what to do. I will be his disciplinarian when he decides to make some not so good decisions. I will be a shoulder to cry on when he doesn't get picked for a team or when his heart is broken for the first time. I will be his counselor when he is facing difficult times. At times, he will see me as his enemy when he and I aren't seeing eye to eye. I will also be his first girlfriend. I will teach him how he is supposed to treat girls. I will teach him how the Lord sees women and the sacred holiness of marriage. I will teach him good manners. I will teach him to put Jesus at the center of each relationship. I will teach him to protect his heart along with the hearts of each girl he dates. I will teach him that sex is an amazing thing made by God, but that it is a treasure for you alone. Everything that I will teach him, the fruits of all of my labors of mothering, are aiming towards one thing... that when he leaves my home to start one with you, he will be the man of God that you deserve.

(He will be your hero too)

I have prayed for Kody from the very first day I knew of him. I have also prayed for you from that day.I have prayed that you would be a woman among women. I have prayed that you would love the Lord deeply and know Him in a profound way. I have prayed that you would have a vulnerable and servant's heart, but that you are a strong and fierce warrior in a storm. I pray that you love yourself and are confident. I pray that you go to the Lord daily for your strength so that you may give freely of yourself to my son. I pray that you have a passionate, secure, and Godly marriage with Kody. You are constant in my quiet times. When I finally meet you, I will probably be just as nervous as you. I'm sure I will have heard all about you and have a picture in my head of what you will be like. I also am sure that I will be completely blown away by who you really are. That's the great thing about Jesus... He completely outdoes what we can even imagine. I am so looking forward to meeting you!! You are an irreplaceable part of my son's life. You will be essential to his journey that the Lord has planned for him. I will not see you as a girl trying to steal my son or some girl to scare away. I will see you as the perfect missing puzzle piece. I will see you as the perfect mate that God created for my son.

You will do so many things for my son that no one else can do:
You will make him a better man.
You will make his heart feel things it has never felt before.
You will show him the tender side of Jesus.
You will increase his need to protect his family.
You will show him mercy.
You will teach him what grace looks like.
You will show him a different kind of dedication.
You will love his best and his worst.
You will show him undying love and forgiveness.
You will give him the blessing of children.
You will encourage him in his role as a father.
You will be his consistency in a world that is shaky and ever changing.
You will be his rock.
You will be is hiding place when he needs to be weak.
You will push him and at times pull him.
You will stand beside him and behind him.
You will teach him intimacy.
You will be his best friend.
You will draw him to Jesus as he leads you in the same direction.

One of these days, Kody will look at me and tell me that he wants to marry you. In that moment, I will look back at his life. I will remember holding him during those still, quiet first moments of  his life. I will remember all the boo boos I kissed and all the tears I caught. I will remember the great victories and the painful losses. I will remember watching him grow from my precious innocent boy into a strong confident man. I will remember being so scared to let him grow up, while at the same time, being so proud of the direction he has taken. I will realize that I am the woman who holds and gets to treasure his past.

But you, my dear, are the woman who God has chosen to protect and experience his future. You will be the perfect partner that God made to experience life with him. Do not fear me. Do not think I don't love you. I cherish you. I rejoice in what you mean to my son. I praise God alone for bringing you into our lives to fill that very special place in Kody's heart. You will make him a better man and do things for his life that I could never have done as his mother.  

So, until we meet, I want to make you some promises. I promise to pray for you and your life. I also promise to do my best in raising your husband. I will do my best to raise you a man among men. A leader among leaders. And to help him be a strong, consistent, humble, brave, and loving man. A good man in a storm.

As you wait for my son, know that I am waiting for you. I am praying for you. I love you.

- Your Future Mother in Law  

Dear Kody...

Dear Kody,

As your mother, there are so many things I want to say to you. There are lessons I need to teach you, stories I want to tell you, and blessings I want to pray over you. As of right now, you are asleep in your bed. You are wearing your "dragon jam jams" and cuddling with your Pooh blanket. You are so little. You are so innocent and dependent on me. These are days that I value and days that, I realize, are in short supply. Soon, you will be learning things on your own, you will be too old for kissing mommy, you will be playing sports, and sooner than I want, you will be leaving my home to start your own. So, while I have you here with me, I want to tell you a few things.

Your innocence is mesmerizing.

First, above all else, your relationship with the Lord is the most important thing. I have prayed the Lord's blessings over you since you were in my womb. The Lord has heard my prayers and blessed me with an amazing little boy. As you grow into the man He plans for you to be, press into Him. Rely on Him for all things. Turn to Him in your times of need and also in your times of joy. He will show you the way you need to go, and He will mold your heart into the most perfect form of you. There will be times when people may make fun of you for your faith. I can tell you that as this world is progressing, it is not the "cool thing", but I can also promise you that it is the only real thing in life. So, in your daily life, read His word. Hide it in your heart and always follow His instruction. You will never regret it.

Find good friends. This is such an important lesson. The friends that you choose to surround yourself with will shape the person that you become. As you grow, you will learn that I did not always choose the best friends. I let them lead me astray and because of that, I made some very painful and poor decisions. I don't ever want this for you. Kody, surround yourself with Godly men who will push you and encourage you in your walk. Find friends who will laugh with you in the good times, cry with you in the bad, and forgive you when you need it. Find friends who will give you wise council and pray with you through hard decisions. Jesus chose twelve close friends during His time on Earth because He understood and wanted to show us that the company you keep is essential in your walk. Your grandpa always told me that you can never bring a group of bad friends up, they will only bring you down. He is right, so search for those rare and wonderful men who will only encourage your special light rather than putting it out.

Pursue and wait for a Godly woman. Gosh, this is so important!! Dating God's way is becoming so rare and so "out of style." It's considered old-fashioned to date with meaning. It is almost unheard of to wait for marriage to have sex. This is also a lesson that I learned the hard way. I have done it the "popular" way, Kody. I have dated many many men. I did not wait for my future husband to have sex. I have felt the pain and loneliness, the desperation for something more, that this type of dating leaves you with. It is soul crushing and leaves devastation in its wake. When it comes time for you date, do it with the Lord in the center of your heart and the center of each relationship. If you do this, I can guarantee that you will have a pure and whole heart to give to your wife, and also just as importantly, you will leave each woman with her whole heart as well. When you are a little older, I will begin to have you take me on dates. I will teach you to bring her flowers, pull out her chair, pay for the dates, and walk her to her door. Remember these little lessons. When you start to date, DO NOT ask them out over text or e-mail. Do it in person. Treat her the way you will want some man treating your future wife if she is on a date too. Let her meet me and don't be afraid of that. Keep your body and hers sacred, but don't be afraid to kiss her if she is deserving of that from a man like you. I am positive that we will have many many talks about dating, but most importantly, just remember that I am on your side. I have been praying for your wife since the day you were born. Marriage is not what the movies wants you to think. It is hard. It takes not just a girl, but a woman of God who will dig in with you during the hard times. She is out there and she is more than worth the wait.

 (By the way, if you ever doubt me on this, talk to your Uncle Christopher and Aunt Jessica... they will tell you how great it is!)

Find a passion. In this day and age, there are so many people that are traveling aimlessly through their days. They don't have anything that drives them. Nothing that puts a fire in their eyes. I want you to find the thing that Jesus puts in your heart that is the driving force for your days. Find the thing that puts a smile on your face, lights the fire in your spirit, and brings out a side of you that nothing else can. For me it is veterinary medicine. I still remember the first time I did a physical exam, placed a catheter, helped pull a calf, or placed my first stitches. My heart comes alive when I am helping animals. God put that love in my heart when he created me. Now, it is that passion that drives me every day. It is a blessing to wake up and get to do what I love most, so when you find that passion, hold on to it! Chase it and go at it with your whole heart. You will discover new things about you as you do that are wonderful. There will be many things along the way that make you happy too, enjoy these to the fullest. Anything that the Lord brings to your life that enhances it, relish those things.

Never ever give up. Perseverance is an important characteristic that every man needs. While God promised that His plans for us are good, He never promised that every day would be easy. I wish that I could protect you from every hard time that will come, but I can't. So, when those hard times do come, I want you to remember to never stop. Push through those days, weeks, and months that push you to your limit. Another important lesson your grandpa taught me is that momentum is the key to life. It may be hard to start, but once you get going in the right direction, it's hard to stop. Remember that. Men need to learn to be strong. Someday you will have your own family, and when the times get really hard, they will look to you for their strength. When you are feeling weak, turn to God for his strength. The Bible teaches us that our strength is found in His might. He will never let you down.

Go to college. While I realize that there are many things a person can do in their lives without a college education, there are things that college does for you that are so good. It will teach you self-discipline. I won't be there anymore to tell you to study or go to bed when you should. I won't be there to tell you to go to church. It's all up to you! College will put you out of your comfort zone. It will force you to make new friends, to try new things, and to travel to new places. College will give you life-long memories. There are football games, clubs to join, trips to take, and new adventures that home can't really offer in the same way. I lived a pretty sheltered life in Amarillo. When I went to Texas A&M, I was blown away at the difference. I grew a lot in college and wouldn't take it back. Yes, your college degree will help you find a great career, but it will also teach you life lessons to help you along your path.

Take the time to travel. God has created such an amazing and wonderful world for His children. It would be a shame for you not to explore it. Every nation, land, and people have lessons to teach us. There are sights that are humbling to see. While you are young, I want you to make a list of every place you would like to see, and promise me, before you are old and gray, that you will make it to every one of them. Climb to the top of a mountain. Swim the Great Barrier Reef. Experience the pain of the Colosseum. Travel Europe and learn where our ancestors came from. Go to Africa and see the majestic animals there. Enjoy the sun on a beach in South America. Walk the Great Wall of China and realize all that people are capable of. Most importantly, everywhere you go, spread God's love and learn as much as you can. Also, be sure to send your mom a postcard.

This is by no means all that I need to tell you for your life. I will have hundreds of lessons to teach you, but the last one I want to tell you for today, is one that I want you to remember for the rest of your life. Kody, I am your mommy and will always always love you. I never knew my heart was capable of this kind of love until I held you for the first time. The very first time I looked at you, something inside me broke. Your little face looking at mine, broke the wall around my heart that I had built. I had become a hard woman who was impenetrable. You were my saving grace.

Kody, I want you to remember that I will always be a safe place for you. When you mess you up, come to me. When you are sad, cry in my arms. When you are happy, share that excitement with me. There will be times when we don't get along. There will be times I am frustrated or disappointed with you. But there will NEVER be a day that I don't love you with every ounce of my being. I have loved you from the very minute that I knew about you, and that love has only grown. You will outgrow my lap someday, but you will never outgrow my heart.

I love you and am proud of you.

- Mommy