Trials to Testimony

We live in a world of wounded people. Some people live with their pain daily. Some ignore their wounds because the healing process is too painful or scary. Some people are reminded of their pain by the scars that are left. Despite all the pain and devastation in the world, when you look around at the people beside you, you would never know they were hurting. You would never know that these people's lives were anything but perfect. You see, most people never really deal with their hurts. They bury them deep inside themselves. This may work for a while, but years from now, they will work their way to the surface and the person won't be able to hide from them anymore. Some people choose to deal with their hurts, receive healing, and live a full life. This is how God intended us to deal with pain. Then there are people like me. I was wounded deeply once. I ran from the pain. I buried all feelings and emotions I had. When this failed to work, I dealt with it. I faced my pain and gave it to Jesus. In his loving hands, I overcame my hurt. I decided, though, that I would leave that part of my life as a secret. I didn't want anyone to know what I had gone through. I didn't want people to see how I had changed. This was the wrong choice though. You see, as Joyce Meyers says, your trials become your testimony.

So I've decided to share my testimony with you. I will be writing several blogs on this. Today, I will share the pain. I will share the ugly parts of myself that I have kept hidden. I will write about the darkness that I lived in for years. The great part about this story is that in the next few weeks, I get to show you God's mercy and healing. I get to show you His light that is warm and safe. I get to share His freedom.

I was raised in a loving home. I was blessed by having parents who taught me about God and His sacrifices He made for us. My parents made every decision with my brother and me in mind. They worked constantly to be the best parents they could be... and let me tell you, they succeeded. They gave me everything a young girl needed. They gave me safety, confidence, and showed me God's love. They sent me to a christian school as well. This was a wonderful place to learn. It had its issues just like all schools do, but it was safe. You see, my entire upbringing was just that... safe. It was comfortable. It was a bubble. I was never put in dangerous situations. I was never forced to make a hard decision. I loved Jesus and followed Him, but my faith was never truly tested. I was sheltered from the harshness of the world. I was naive.

When I moved away to college, I left that bubble. I entered a world that new and exciting. I left the comfort of my family, friends, and church and entered the unfamiliar and the dangerous. I moved there alone, so I was anxious to hurry and make some new friends. At fish camp, I found some of those friends. They seemed different from my past friends. They were exciting, edgy, and charismatic. I was drawn to these people and the different way of life that they so easily led. They seemed happy. They seemed care-free. They had no rules to follow. It was all so different. I assumed they were all great people who would look after me and protect me. Nothing in life had ever taught me otherwise.

A couple of weeks after fish camp, there was a party. Now, I wasn't stupid. I knew people in high school who partied, but they weren't my close friends, and I had certainly never been to one. That was against the rules, so it just wasn't done. Now, however, I was on my own. I could make my own decisions. Something I had never gotten to do or really ever had to do. I still wasn't going to drink because I knew that was against what I wanted for my life at that point. So I did what every good christian girl would do and said I would be the designated driver for my friends. I was going to my first party!!!! (But I was still going to be safe.)

When we arrived at the party, my eyes were opened for the first time. The room was buzzing with laughing, talking, loud music, and what looked to me to be a great time! It was exciting and fun. This wasn't something I should be afraid of. I had been missing out! What had my parents and church friends been so worried about? I could be around people like this, have a good time with them, and still keep the person I wanted to be. My friends all dispersed into the party. I began mingling and meeting new people. I was dancing and feeling "free" for the first time in my life. Then there he was.

We will call this guy "T". I had noticed T watching me from the very beginning of the night. He had been circling me, always watching me from a safe distance, but always keeping me in view. It made me feel special. He must think I'm pretty and like me, right? Finally, he made his way over and introduced himself. He was a Sophomore engineering major. (T was good looking and smart?!) The next few hours consisted of us talking and getting to know each other. Slowly, I felt more comfortable. I felt my defenses dropping... just like he wanted. You see, men like him are not dumb. They are intelligent and organized. They are predators and can spot unsuspecting prey. He offered to get me a drink of water. I gladly accepted. I had remembered my dad warning me about letting people I don't know get me drinks. He tried to teach me about date rape drugs. But that was for girls who were provocative and partying too much, right? That never happened to girls like me. I wasn't even drinking! That was the last clear thought I had before T returned with my roofied water.

I don't remember much of him raping me. I thank God for that. I have blurred images. I remember him telling me he liked to hear me cry. I remember him laughing when I screamed. Then it all goes black. When I woke up the next morning, the glitter of the night before was gone. The "freedom" I had felt was now chains of anguish. I was naked. I was bleeding. I was bruised. I was alone. I went home, got in the shower and scrubbed my skin until it was raw. I needed to get every trace of that place off of me. I sat in the shower and sobbed. My pain wracked my body, enveloping me in its darkness. I stayed in my room for weeks. I wouldn't talk to anyone. I stayed in the walls I had built. I didn't tell anyone what had happened.

When I finally left my room, I did everything possible to not feel my haunting pain. I began drinking almost every night. I surrounded myself with people who didn't care if I was happy because this meant that they wouldn't ask me if I was ok. I hated when people asked what was going on because then it all came rushing back to me. When the drinking didn't work, I turned to other things. I made sure that I was in control in every situation. I promised myself that I would never again be the victim. I would set all the rules. I stayed in this cruel numbness for years. I did everything possible to avoid emotion or connection.

You see, T did so much more to me that day than most people realize. In that moment, he completely stole my innocence. I was no longer that soft naive little girl. The evil of the world had ravished my heart. I became hard, impenetrable. I lost all trust in men. I used them to keep my control, but never let them know me. I separated myself from my family. I lied to them daily to keep them at a distance. That became the norm for me in every relationship and friendship I had. If anyone tried to get close to me, I would be cruel to them. I lived in the defensive. My brother once told me that I had become self-centered, and he was right. I only cared about me. I only relied on myself. No one else mattered in my life because no one else could be trusted.

The worst thing that happened to me that day, was the breaking of my bond to Jesus. I could not believe that the God I had loved my entire life had let this happen to me. Where was He? Why didn't he stop that man? The minute my faith wavered, Satan came rushing in with his lies. Rather than seeing Jesus as the person to run to with my pain, I saw Him as the reason it existed. I became angry at God. I turned my back on him and kept walking. I lost all relationship I ever had. I eliminated Him from my life... or so I thought. The truth is that despite what I chose to do, say, or think, God never left me. He was with me every minute of every day. He was yearning to take that pain from me. He is faithful even when we are not. We will get to that in a later blog though.

Now you know my pain. Now you know my deepest wound and biggest scar. I wish I could say that that is where my pain ends, but it's not. Throughout the years, I made poor decisions that caused more pain. That's what happens when you live in your pain instead of pursuing healing. There were days that I never thought I would know how to laugh again. I thought I would never cry again because that meant I would have to feel again. I am blessed to tell you, however, that I am joyful now. I cry when I am happy, when I'm sad, and when I'm mad. I feel and I feel deeply. How? Jesus. He is the only answer. I am honored to be able to share my testimony with you. I am honored to be a child of the Most High that gets to share of his love and redemption. I hope that this will minister to those who need it. I pray that as you read my words, God will touch your heart. I pray that my story brings glory to God because my life is His victory.

I also know that I am not anywhere close to the only one who has suffered from sexual abuse. This is a serious problem in our society. If you are reading this and you have found yourself in this situation, talk to someone. Get help. You are not alone. It was not your fault. There are people who will walk with you through the darkness until you find your light again. Don't suffer in your pain any more.